Repost: What To Expect When She's Not Expecting

With Father's Day around the corner, I wanted to share Colin's post again from a man's view of walking through infertility. (Also, stay tuned for an exciting update from their family later on the blog!)

Colin and Kendal are in the midst of their adoption journey and have chosen to share their experience and story at Finding Our Arrows, praying it will also encourage others. Today Colin shares transparently about how their struggle with infertility has impacted him as a husband and how he's learned to support his wife through it as well. I'm thrilled to share a man's perspective of infertility, grief, and hope.

I’m sorry, what? “There is less than a 2% chance you can naturally conceive a child.” No, no, you must be mistaken. This must be some cruel joke; after all, it is April Fool’s Day.  “Less than a 2% chance.” But we followed the plan – we both graduated college, I finished law school and passed the bar…we even recently started building a house! Now it is time to start building our family, too! All of our friends are pregnant – surely this is wrong! But the doctor wasn’t wrong. And on that day, April 1, 2014, our lives were turned upside down. 

For those husbands whose families are struggling with infertility and adoption, trying to cope with the heartache, and searching for what to do next all while attempting to faithfully lead their families through such a trying time. Guys, this post is for you. Trust me, I understand and can empathize with the challenges and struggles you are facing; with the feelings of doubt, anger, and confusion. And because of that, I wanted to share with you a few lessons God has taught me through our journey. I’m no expert, but these are just a few of the thoughts and perspectives I’ve gained from our experience thus far.

My first encouragement is men, if your wife is struggling with infertility, make sure you allow time to grieve. Ecclesiastes 3:4 says “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven…a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.”  Kendal and I received our infertility diagnosis in April 2014. At the same time, we were in the process of building our first home, so questions of wall color, furniture placement, and landscaping filled our minds. After closing on our home that June, our life settled down a bit. So, during a summer evening walk, and just a few months after receiving our tragic diagnosis, I brought up to Kendal the idea of adoption.  My comments were met with silence.

You see (spoiler alert), men and women think differently. Men are fixers and problem solvers.  In my mind, infertility + wanting a family = adoption.  This logically made sense to me.  But I missed the mourning and grieving part. Kendal wasn’t ready. She was still working and processing what such a diagnosis really meant. And I jumped waaaaaaay ahead of her, unrealistically expecting her to be on the same page as me. So men, take the time to grieve and mourn with your wife. And trust me, we did and still continue to do so, both together and individually. I still struggle with this, but I’m learning to stop, slow down, and just wait for her. We both wanted a family, and obviously both came to the decision of adoption, but take time to mourn and grieve with your spouse. Cry with her, hug her, love her. While adoption may be in your future, and perhaps it is God’s plan for you, it is ok to take the time to be sad. 

Secondly, realize that just because you made a plan, that doesn’t mean God has to fit Himself into it.  Proverbs 16:9 says “A man makes a plan in his heart, but God directs his path.” Kendal and I met while we were in college (Geaux Tigers!) and were engaged in December 2009. I was in law school at the time, so we weren’t “ready” for kids. But once I finished and passed the bar in 2012, we wanted to add to the two of us. We thought we were ready – it was just “time” to have children.  All our friends were pregnant and asking us when we would have children. They spoke as if it were a guaranteed outcome. But it just wasn’t happening for us. God wasn’t fitting Himself into our timeline – into what we thought we wanted and when we wanted it.

For two people who like plans, schedules, and being in control, this is a tough one to learn. God isn’t restricted to what our feeble minds can imagine, but just as He told the prophet Habakkuk, He is “doing a work…that you would not believe if told.” So, just remember, it is ok to not have the answers. Believe me, I know the pain of waiting and wanting a child and feeling so lonely when all your friends are pregnant and something just isn’t right.  But God is in control. The Proverbs writer puts it like this, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” 

Lastly, above all else, and while it may be difficult to see at the moment, these struggles are just light and momentary. I know that sounds like nonsense while you are enduring your trials, but that is how the apostle Paul describes them in 2 Corinthians 4:17 when he writes “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.” In other words, Paul, writing with eternity in view, weighs his present trials against future glory and discovers his trials are actually working for him. So when your world seems to fall around you, when you and your wife are devastated by terrible news, remember that these experiences are paled in comparison with what is to come. And that is something to take hope in – your light and momentary struggles are producing something much better for you! And that is eternal rest with our Father in Heaven. 

I hope this post is helpful to you. Believe me, infertility and adoption isn’t just something you “get over” and move on from. But these are just a few of the many lessons I’ve learned which I hope will encourage you during your time of struggle. 

To follow along with Colin and Kendal's story, you can find their blog at Finding Our Arrows.

To the Dads on the Fence

Today you have the pleasure to hear from Tim. Husband. Father. Adoptive dad. And admittedly my favorite guest blogger since he's my brother. When I asked him if he could write something just for men considering adoption, he didn't hesitate for a second. I remember late night talks with Tim and Meg talking about the possibilities of growing their family through adoption. And I remember exactly where I was when my brother called me, in tears, saying God was calling them to foster care and he was "all in." Today Tim talks candidly with other men who might be on the fence and deciding if foster care or adoption is the right path for their family.

Let's be honest. Your wife is making you read this right now.

She's been reading all kinds of adoption books and blogs and has been meticulously preparing her case for the last few months. She just hit you with her opening statement and gave you this very blog to read as homework before you feebly fumble through your attempt at a response.

I've been there. Caught off guard. Deer in the headlights. Mortified to have to be the one to pump the brakes pull the emergency brake on what my wife so earnestly felt God calling us to do.

Some of you may already be fathers. You may already have a whole crew, but adding one more through adoption scares the daylights out of you. You've mastered the fathering process. You can make dinner with one kid on your leg, the other helping stir, and a third one wrapped in the kangaroo pouch thing only your wife can remember the actual name of. But this is different, there's a lack of control. And as crazy as your life is already, the last thing you're willing to give up is any semblance of control you might possibly have left. I mean, you and your wife always talked about adoption. But not now. You just got your last kid out of diapers.

Others of you have been trying.

And trying.

And trying.

And trying to have biological children.

The tests. The appointments. The procedures. The bills. The glimmers of hope only to be heartbroken and grief-stricken time and time again. Now you try your hardest to re-route your shopping cart around the baby section, hoping to postpone your wife's tears until at least a private moment. Not here.

You would feel guilty for “resorting” to adoption. That's not how you wanted to end up at this inevitable decision you’ve been dreading for the last several years.

A few of you might even be in the same camp I was six years ago. Newly married. No plans for kids anytime soon. My wife Meg had one of those moments in church. You know the kind. When the Holy Spirit puts a megaphone up to your heart and whispers loud and clear. She sat me down afterward and we had the talk. God was calling her (meaning us) to adoption, specifically adoption through foster care.

*Cue the emergency brake*

In my mind, I immediately became an expert on why this was a terrible decision for our family. Did my wife forget that we were 22 and 23 years old? Or that I had zero dadding experience? The size of our duplex shrunk to the size of a college dorm room. Could we legally fit a kid in there? At the time, I worked for a residential treatment facility for foster kids. I witnessed firsthand the effects of the trauma they had endured. There’s no way we were equipped to handle that, especially as first-time parents. And can we talk about adoptive parents for a second? These saints have it together. I don’t. They’re super-parents. I can’t fake my way through that. Everyone will see right through me.

Here’s the second-best thing I’ve ever done: instead of verbalizing that entire paragraph above that ran through my mind in three seconds flat, I said I’d pray about it.

And I did. I specifically prayed a line from a song that was on the radio at the time.

“Break my heart for what breaks yours.”

And He did.

A missed training at work from years before led me to a more in-depth training on foster kids. Actual kids in the system talking about the heartaches they had endured and their need for unconditional love. My heart broke. The megaphone whispered loud and clear.

If I was reading one of those “choose your own adventure” books I would have had two options. Number one: do nothing and it’s the end of the book. Number two: do something and you’re on page one of the greatest trilogy of all-time. (Foreshadowing here, I have three kiddos.) Something I've learned the hard way in my walk with Christ is that there is a time for prayer and there is a time for action. Keeping things on our prayer list which God has already convicted us of can dangerously become a religious excuse for inaction.

Here’s the best thing I’ve ever done: I said yes to my wife. I know, sounds like the advice your grandpa gave you on your wedding day with a wink and a handshake. But more importantly, I said yes to God’s plan for our lives without knowing exactly what that plan looked like. Here’s the thing about us husbands, if you’re anything like me and my wife. Our wives are the optimists, we’re the pessimists. Our wives are the dreamers, we’re the doubters. We read all 142 reviews before we buy the TV. We measure twice, cut once. We want to see the money in the bank account before we commit to anything. But too often as Christian men we let our pursuit of order overrule our pursuit of submission to God’s will.

Fast forward with me to December 15, 2012. The day I became a daddy. Jacob was our first (and only) foster placement and was three months old at the time. I held him for the first time under our Christmas tree and wept bittersweet tears. In order for him to end up in my arms, some heartbreaking events had taken place. One of my favorite quotes from Jody Landers sums it up, “A child born to another woman calls me mommy. The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me.”

By God's grace we were able to adopt him on December 18, 2014 with the support of his birth mother. We told our families that we were pregnant with our biological son, Griffin, the next day. He was born on July 29, 2015. One pretty scary birth experience was enough for my wife, so I took the medical precaution in early 2016 to avoid those complications in the future. We were incredibly blessed with a healthy baby boy and playmate for Jacob. Later that year, Meg and I felt the nudge of God again calling us to adopt. A week later, I got a call at work from my wife, sobbing uncontrollably. When I finally got her to speak she told me that Jacob’s birth mom was pregnant. And she wanted us to adopt.

Our fundraising efforts started. Bills came in. Donations came in. Wash, rinse, repeat. With some creative ideas (all Meg’s), a generous community, and open hands, the Lord provided.

We had been planning on another boy for months. It turned out it was a goofed gender reveal when Elodie was born on June 21, 2017; the little girl this daddy always prayed for. After our crazy journey through foster care, foster adoption, having a biological son, and a private adoption of a sibling, I can tell you one thing. I can’t imagine my life if I would have said no those six years ago. God wired my wife to push me toward His plan and His blessings. It’s what I love most about her. All I had to do was say yes.

Some of you are on the fence. Some of you are off the fence, but on a different side than your wife. Some of you didn't even know there was a fence until today. There will be struggles. There will be frustration. There will be paperwork, so much paperwork. But you'll look back on your family's journey, maybe six years later, and it will all make sense. You’ll look into the eyes of your son or daughter and know that God’s plan was infinitely greater than anything you could have ever hoped or dreamed for on your own.

So here’s the plan:

1. Promise your wife you’ll pray about what God has placed on her heart.
2. Pray. Listen. Act accordingly.
3. Tell your wife you finished reading the blog. She’s anxiously waiting to hear your thoughts.

For more of Tim and Meg's story:
Their journey to foster care: My Brother Is Doing It
Meg's thoughts on foster care: A Foster Mama Shares Why Excuses Don't Matter
Jacob's Adoption: Meet Jacob
Elodie's adoption: Countdown to Forever

Thinking about adoption and want to know the next steps? Here's More on Adoption

What to Expect When She's Not Expecting

Colin and Kendal are in the midst of their adoption journey and have chosen to share their experience and story at Finding Our Arrows, praying it will also encourage others. Today Colin shares transparently about how their struggle with infertility has impacted him as a husband and how he's learned to support his wife through it as well. I'm thrilled to share a man's perspective of infertility, grief, and hope.

I’m sorry, what? “There is less than a 2% chance you can naturally conceive a child.” No, no, you must be mistaken. This must be some cruel joke; after all, it is April Fool’s Day.  “Less than a 2% chance.” But we followed the plan – we both graduated college, I finished law school and passed the bar…we even recently started building a house! Now it is time to start building our family, too! All of our friends are pregnant – surely this is wrong! But the doctor wasn’t wrong. And on that day, April 1, 2014, our lives were turned upside down. 

For those husbands whose families are struggling with infertility and adoption, trying to cope with the heartache, and searching for what to do next all while attempting to faithfully lead their families through such a trying time. Guys, this post is for you. Trust me, I understand and can empathize with the challenges and struggles you are facing; with the feelings of doubt, anger, and confusion. And because of that, I wanted to share with you a few lessons God has taught me through our journey. I’m no expert, but these are just a few of the thoughts and perspectives I’ve gained from our experience thus far.

My first encouragement is men, if your wife is struggling with infertility, make sure you allow time to grieve. Ecclesiastes 3:4 says “For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven…a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance.”  Kendal and I received our infertility diagnosis in April 2014. At the same time, we were in the process of building our first home, so questions of wall color, furniture placement, and landscaping filled our minds. After closing on our home that June, our life settled down a bit. So, during a summer evening walk, and just a few months after receiving our tragic diagnosis, I brought up to Kendal the idea of adoption.  My comments were met with silence.

You see (spoiler alert), men and women think differently. Men are fixers and problem solvers.  In my mind, infertility + wanting a family = adoption.  This logically made sense to me.  But I missed the mourning and grieving part. Kendal wasn’t ready. She was still working and processing what such a diagnosis really meant. And I jumped waaaaaaay ahead of her, unrealistically expecting her to be on the same page as me. So men, take the time to grieve and mourn with your wife. And trust me, we did and still continue to do so, both together and individually. I still struggle with this, but I’m learning to stop, slow down, and just wait for her. We both wanted a family, and obviously both came to the decision of adoption, but take time to mourn and grieve with your spouse. Cry with her, hug her, love her. While adoption may be in your future, and perhaps it is God’s plan for you, it is ok to take the time to be sad. 

Secondly, realize that just because you made a plan, that doesn’t mean God has to fit Himself into it.  Proverbs 16:9 says “A man makes a plan in his heart, but God directs his path.” Kendal and I met while we were in college (Geaux Tigers!) and were engaged in December 2009.  I was in law school at the time, so we weren’t “ready” for kids.  But once I finished and passed the bar in 2012, we wanted to add to the two of us.  We thought we were ready – it was just “time” to have children.  All our friends were pregnant and asking us when we would have children.  They spoke as if it were a guaranteed outcome. But it just wasn’t happening for us.  God wasn’t fitting Himself into our timeline – into what we thought we wanted and when we wanted it.

For two people who like plans, schedules, and being in control, this is a tough one to learn. God isn’t restricted to what our feeble minds can imagine, but just as He told the prophet Habakkuk, He is “doing a work…that you would not believe if told.” So, just remember, it is ok to not have the answers. Believe me, I know the pain of waiting and wanting a child and feeling so lonely when all your friends are pregnant and something just isn’t right.  But God is in control. The Proverbs writer puts it like this, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.” 

Lastly, above all else, and while it may be difficult to see at the moment, these struggles are just light and momentary. I know that sounds like nonsense while you are enduring your trials, but that is how the apostle Paul describes them in 2 Corinthians 4:17 when he writes “For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison.” In other words, Paul, writing with eternity in view, weighs his present trials against future glory and discovers his trials are actually working for him. So when your world seems to fall around you, when you and your wife are devastated by terrible news, remember that these experiences are paled in comparison with what is to come. And that is something to take hope in – your light and momentary struggles are producing something much better for you! And that is eternal rest with our Father in Heaven. 

I hope this post is helpful to you. Believe me, infertility and adoption isn’t just something you “get over” and move on from. But these are just a few of the many lessons I’ve learned which I hope will encourage you during your time of struggle. 

To follow along with Colin and Kendal's story, you can find their blog at Finding Our Arrows.