Not Your Typical Baby Shower: How to Prepare & Celebrate Well in Adoption

As with the birth of any child, there is much to celebrate in adoption! Any time a baby joins a family, we should celebrate new life and rally around the new parents with our support and excitement. Getting ready to welcome a child often comes with a lot of anticipation and joy as you prepare your home and share your news and plans with others.

But what if your child is joining your family through adoption? Should your preparations and celebrations look different? The short answer? Absolutely.

Parenting through adoption is no less special or important than becoming a parent through pregnancy. But becoming a parent through adoption is different than becoming a parent biologically. It's important not to erase these differences, but to acknowledge them and their impact on the choices you make. There are unique aspects to adoption that are critical to consider as you prepare:

• Adoption includes a birth family; there are other people involved to acknowledge and consider as you plan and prepare for a baby to join your family.
• Adoption involves loss; brokenness is at the beginning of adoption when a birth family, for whatever reason, decides they want another couple to raise their child.
• Adoption is about finding families for babies, not babies for families; this can shift our perspective and the choices we make throughout the process.
• Adoption is not final until consents are signed and finalized by a judge; this should impact plans, preparations, and heart postures.

In light of these important differences, here are some practical ways to honor the unique aspects of adoption while you prepare and celebrate:

Adoption Announcements

Like any parents, hopeful adoptive parents are eager to share the news of their growing family. This is a great way to not only update friends and family, but also include others in your journey. (I love these creative ways families I've worked with have announced their adoptions found here and here.) It's important to note that once you share your adoption plans, for many of your friends and family you will become an unofficial "adoption educator." In this new role, you have an incredible opportunity and responsibility to advocate for adoption; ensuring you use positive adoption language and extending grace as others learn about the process alongside you.

Match Announcements

An important step in the adoption journey is when a couple is officially "matched" with an expectant family. Most people prefer the term "chosen" since the expectant family has carefully chosen the hopeful adoptive family to parent their baby. When sharing the news that you've been chosen, it's important to communicate in a way that's open-handed and clear that adoption is the plan, but nothing is final until after the baby is born and necessary paperwork has been completed. This is also a great time to think of protecting the child's story. Very often, adoptive families regret all they shared at this stage and wish they had not disclosed private details, even to close friends and family. Remembering to guard the child and the expectant/birth family's story is critical, even in the beginning.

Gender Reveal

It's a current trend for couples to have some kind of a gender reveal party where they announce if they're expecting a boy or a girl. But as I've noted, adoption is not final until all paperwork has been signed. A gender reveal party easily communicates a finality and surety to the adoption plan that simply isn't the case prior to birth. 

Preparing Older Siblings

Just like anyone preparing for a new a baby to arrive, preparing your children for the arrival of a baby brother or sister is an important step for families. But talking about the complexities of adoption can be challenging, especially with little hearts trying to make sense of hard topics. One easy way to do this is to focus on the idea of preparing your home for a baby in case another family needs help. When the language shifts from a specific baby and timeframe to being ready in case there's a baby that needs a family, it can help communicate your family's desire to help a child versus find a child.

Setting up the Nursery

To prepare for your home study, most often the room for the baby doesn't have to be ready (and let's be honest; for most families the baby sleeps in the parents' room in a bassinet for the first few months anyway!). When couples ask me if there's a "right time" to set up the nursery, I always tell them to do what feels right for them. For some couples, the thought of walking by an empty nursery while waiting for a baby to arrive feels painful. But for others, the tasks of painting a baby's room, setting up a crib, and finding the coziest rocker is a practical way to prepare and dream of the child they will one day be caring for in that room. Just like couples who attend prenatal appointments and birth classes, setting up a nursery can be a way of getting ready for the birth of a baby. It's also wise to decorate in neutral tones to prepare for a boy or a girl.

Birth Announcements

In an age where it's easy to give updates within minutes, we see new parents posting news of a baby's birth within hours. There is a special sacredness to adoption and those first days and hours when a baby is born. Very often, this is a time when the mother (and possibly the father and their friends and family) have to spend with the baby. It's often full of immense emotions and critical for the hopeful adoptive family to take the birth family's lead as to what they want the hospital experience to look like. In light of this, it's wise to wait to share any news or pictures of the baby publicly until consents have been signed. Instead, focus your time in the hospital loving the birth family well; giving them the time and space they need.

Baby Showers

Every mother (or couple!) deserves a party celebrating the arrival of a new baby and adoption is no exception. The question for adoptive families is more about timing; when to have a baby shower. Sometimes the easiest way to celebrate with a baby shower is after the baby has been placed with the adoptive family (after consents are signed). Setting up a gender neutral registry of necessities while waiting for placement can also be helpful. Many families find that a baby shower after the baby has been home for several weeks is a great way to celebrate. They often have a better sense of what they need and it's a sweet time to have family and friends meet the new addition.

Finalization Day 

Many couples take the opportunity to celebrate the day the adoption is finalized in the courts and often mark that as a special anniversary yearly in their family. Some families also call this "Family  Day" or "Adoption Day" (the phrase "Gotcha Day" has historically been used but generally has a negative connotation now since it can imply some kind of ownership.) This can be bittersweet, especially for the child as it not only marks a celebration of a new family, but also the separation from the birth family. Using sensitivity, especially as the child grows, to their feelings around this day will be helpful as you navigate how to/if you will mark this occasion in your family.

Clearly there's much to celebrate and consider when adopting a child. Here's some final questions that might be helpful to ask as you think about how to honor adoption and the entire adoption triad (adoptee, adoptive parents, and birth parents) when it comes to preparations and celebrations:

• Does this honor the expectant/birth family?
• Does this put unnecessary pressure or expectation on an expectant family?
• Does this acknowledge the plan of adoption (vs. assuming something is sure)?
• Does this feel too premature: could we put this off until later when the time might be more fitting?
• Does this consider protecting the child's story that is theirs alone to tell?

Before a baby is placed with you, your focus and top priority should be on educating yourself, preparing for parenthood, and taking every opportunity to love the expectant and birth family well. There will be years to celebrate your child and the joys of parenting. Waiting a few short months to celebrate well and at the right time is a beautiful way to honor your child, their birth family, and the choice you've made to grow your family through adoption.

In the end, that kind of preparation and celebration is worth it.

Repost: The Ache of the Wait in the Holidays

You've met Amy before. A sweet adoptive mama and client turned dear friend. We met over coffee to talk about adoption and the last time I saw her, her family of three was gathered in my living room with our crew. I love her thoughts on adoption, the hard wait, and the holiday season...

For our family this Christmas season will be our most memorable. It is our first Christmas as a family of three. Our home is overflowing with love, magic and new beginnings. This year we get to celebrate Christmas with our son. We spent hours Christmas shopping (and lets be honest, baby B is not even gonna know what's goin' on this year!), we have dreamt of the traditions we hope to start to make the season full of magic. We had no idea just how emotional this Christmas would be for our family. This is a dream I wasn't sure would ever come true. But, one thing I can say for sure?

I would go through all of the heartache and sadness again to get to my son. 

To all of you who have babies growing in your hearts right now, I promise you, this holiday season will soon be filled with love, joy and overwhelming thankfulness. Right now, I know your hearts are dreading spending another holiday without your child. I know your hearts ache watching families celebrate the magic of Christmas with little ones. I know you dream of the day when you get hang up that stocking that says "Baby's First Christmas." I know you can't wait for the day when you get to wrap gifts to put under the treat for your most treasured gift.

Please don't lose hope.

Last year, I was walking with you. I remember being curled up by our fireplace holding tightly to the book I had bought for a baby I had hoped to be holding in my arms.

I remember each tear that fell down my face. 

I remember each silent prayer I whispered to God, begging Him to give me strength. 

You're. Not. Alone. 

Please don't give up hope. Please don't lose your faith.

This season, I'm praying for you hearts to be full of hope for what is to come.

It is worth the wait. 

It's worth every single tear. It's worth every silent prayer. 

Please know you are in my heart this season.

Amy

For more on Amy, her beautiful family, and their adoption journey, you can head to her blog, Glimpses of Hope.

Adoption Through the Eyes of Fathers

Father's Day is just around the corner and I've been struck all week with the impact adoption has had on the fathers I've been honored to walk with. I wanted to celebrate by sharing thoughts about fatherhood and adoption directly from four fathers and give you a glimpse into their father's heart.

Being a dad has made me appreciate what's really important in life. It has taught me that the little things are actually big things, like hugs and smiles and hearing the words, "Love you," and "Dadda" as well as the laughs and giggles. The fact that three lives are molded by my example is an honor and one I am grateful for. - Chris

Being a dad gives me so much joy. When my wife and I had our daughter it was the most amazing feeling to hold our baby girl for the first time. Even with being adopted myself I still wondered if I would feel differently about my adopted child...as opposed to our biological child. From the second I held Davis it has always been very clear that I feel the same about him as I do our daughter. He has been the most amazing blessing and fits completely perfectly into our family. The love and pride I feel from being a dad to Rylee and Davis is the best. The bond I feel with both of them is like nothing I could have imagined! - Ryan

I think my perspective of parental unconditional love has changed since becoming a father myself. I know my parents love me unconditionally but being on the other side of that as a dad makes me appreciate it more. I also take less for granted. I try to be in the present moment all the time now because it goes so fast. I've learned to appreciate the "small" things more. I love everything about being a dad even changing diapers, picking up messes and making sacrifices. My favorite part of being a dad is watching Jonah learn new things and experience the world around him. A child's development physically, intellectually and emotionally is really fascinating to me. Something I didn't expect from adoption is how much love I would have for our child's birth family. This is my second Father's Day, but it seems to mean even more than last year. I had only been a dad for about a month and it was a surreal time with Jonah's birth, placement, travel, etc. I was excited to finally have the title but had no idea what i was doing. Now that I've been a dad for over a year it feels more real. Jonah calls me "dada" and that is something I'll never get tired of hearing. - Tyler

Adoption definitely changed me in the sense that I'm so much more compassionate and open to loving unconditionally in ways I didn't know I could! Adoption has taught me to put all of my trust in God even when things seem so uncertain, He writes the best stories for families. My favorite thing about being a parent is getting to watch our son grow, learn and explore. I appreciate little life moments because those little things make for a lot of big memories, that I cherish. I feel very honored that God chose me to be his father, and found me worthy to guide, lead, and love him through this life. - Alex

Interested in changing your life through adoption? Our Father's Day Discount runs through today!

Night at the Museum

For the past four years, I've been a part of the mamas that come together to organize, plan, and pull off Whitefield's Annual Daddy Daughter Dance.

This year we headed to The Museum at PrairieFire for a Night at the Museum. With the beautiful stained glass walls and a dinosaur in the hall, it made for a fantastic venue.

We invited everyone to dress up as historical characters and the dads really embraced it. We had Leonardo DaVinci and the Mona Lisa, the entire Flintstone family (complete with Dino), and I can't even tell you how many Abe and Mary Todd Lincolns.

Here's my Amelia Earhart and her co-pilot, Frank Hawks on their way to dinner before the dance.

Admittedly, planning the dance each year is almost as fun as throwing the party. This was my crew. We dream and plan and work all year to pull off memories for daddies and their girls on one big night. These ladies know how to party and we make a great team. Next year I might not make them wear costumes...

The night was filled with lots of dancing (including an ape and a dinosaur), daddies becoming mummies, an Egyptian dance off, streamers, and at one point all of the Abraham Lincolns doing the Chicken Dance.

But the real pay off is always watching daddies making sweet memories with their daughters. All the work leading up the the evening is worth it watching Isabelle and Jamy dance the night away, laughing and spinning on the dance floor.

Another amazing evening in the books!

Want a peek at previous years? 

There was a Hoedown complete with cowboy boots and line dancing (pre-blogging days)

There was the Sock Hop and the dance that almost didn't happen

Then the Beach Ball complete with surfboards and "Frankie and Annette"

And last year we had a Masquerade Ball that ended unexpectedly (and almost tragically)

Basketball Bash

This is probably the last themed party that happens around our place. As the kids get bigger, I know my time is limited when I can scour Pinterest for cute ideas and pull off pirate parties, pancakes and pajamas, art expo, or book themed birthdays.

So when your boy is turning eight and into sports, a basketball bash is the perfect fit. This one has been the easiest by far. He got a basketball goal as a gift from us this year so we double dipped the gift and party.

I fell in love with these cute invites I found at SIMONEmadeit. Tickets to the party were delivered to classmates and friends.

My mom made this awesome scoreboard that we had printed as an engineer print on the cheap to hang in the dining room and outside. The boys each got a water bottle from the dollar store filled with bubble gum and a little basketball bracelet and bouncy ball.

The menu was simple. Popcorn, pigs in a blanket, mandarin oranges made to look like basketballs, and orange Gatorade. We had the cake specially made at the local grocery store from a pic I found on Pinterest. Unfortunately the dog got to some of the cupcakes before the boys did.

Of course most of the party was filled mostly with the boys playing basketball. Playing a game refed by Jamy, knockout, and even taking turns "dunking" (with the help of a daddy). The boys also loved watching a few videos by the Dunking Devils.

Jackson was in heaven. It was fun to watch him in his element with all his buddies. Now excuse me while I mourn that my baby is eight...

Daddy Daughter Masquerade Ball

For the past few years, I've helped lead putting together Whitefield's Annual Daddy Daughter Dance. If you happen to be a little girl, Pre-K through 8th grade, this is the social event of the year. In the past we've created a hoedown, a sock hop, and a beach ball. This year, I worked with my favorite committee and we put on a Masquerade Ball for Daddies and their daughters, complete with black and white attire with masks, a venue that looked like a castle on a lake, and hundreds of sparkling lights. We've heard it was the best one yet.

It's hard to say what's more enjoyable. Working all year with an amazing crew of other mothers and dear friends and seeing our ideas actually pan out or watching our girls with their daddies dance and giggle and enjoy each other all evening.

There were fires roaring in the fireplaces, the dance floor was always full, and everyone loved the magician we brought in (the girls loved his sub-par magic and the guys loved his sarcastic humor). High schoolers served hors d'oeuvres and sparkling juice on platters and the cream puffs were a favorite. Admittedly at some point during the night, you could find all of the mamas hosting the event on the sidelines of the dance floor weeping together watching our husbands dancing with our babies.

And this year will go down in history. The DJ's that almost didn't arrive, the magician's assistant who was asked to change out of a scary costume, and footage of some fathers and our headmaster dancing to Macarena that I'm sure can be used for blackmail later. And the end of the night has a story all it's own (more on that to come).

As always, I'm incredibly thankful to be a part of a school that works hard and plays hard together. This tribe of people that make up our little school have become like family to us. 

Here's to another night full of memories.

It's Friday

Easter this year holds some new meaning for us. This time last year, Jamy was still gone. Easter Sunday was literally the first day we had all been together as a family since before Thanksgiving the year before.

I remember sitting in that reality on Good Friday a year ago today. God had just begun moving in huge ways. But there was still tremendous work to do. Unsure of the future, weary of the journey, and ready for God to do a miracle. the reality of Good Friday resonated with me in a new way. I needed Sunday to come in the most desperate way. 

And if we're honest, we've all been in that space. When we need hope like we need air to breath. When we need God to step in and heal the brokenness. When we need God to literally bring dead things to life.

It's the best worst day. Good Friday promises that God sent a Savior to step into our brokenness to redeem and rescue us.

When hope is lost.

When you are defeated.

When death wins.

God promises Sunday's comin'.

Once Upon a Time...

This year Isabelle had a very specific idea about how she wanted to spend her birthday. Around here, birthday party themes are talked about all year and nearly prayed over. It's a big deal when you're nine.

Bella is a huge reader and decided she wanted a book-themed "Once Upon a Time" party. Awesome, I thought. I have no idea how to throw a party with books. Do I just pile up a punch of them together and read fairy tales to the guests for a few hours?

It turns out her idea was brilliant. Easy activities. Easy eats. And even easier decor.

Vintage inspired library card invites by PennyAnnDesigns on Etsy. I did the math: I spent an extra $2 to have someone create these for me vs. purchasing the materials and cussing out my printer for a few hours. Totally worth it.

Party favors included glasses (sunglasses I popped the lenses out of), pencil cases and pencils, and Scrabble tile place settings. If you're wondering how many Scrabble games I needed to pilfer from thrift stores to pull this off for all the guests the answer is three. If you're wondering how many thrift stores I needed to visit in order to pull this off the answer is more than three.

Isabelle even helped design her cake at the local grocery store bakery. This was a crap shoot since I couldn't find any good designs online without fondant and that cost less than a designer dress. God bless you, Mr. Bakery Manager for creating this for $20 bucks!

During the party, the girls created Mad Libs, played with Story Cubes, painted their own bookmarks, and did a book exchange. We made the book exchange a game where Jamy read the girls a story (in a funny voice and a fancy bow tie that Isabelle pretended to be embarrassed over). The girls sat in a circle and passed their wrapped book left or right when they heard two words we had chosen earlier. At the end of the story they each had a different book than they came with.

Food was super fun and easy to prep. Book sandwiches, Scrabble Cheez Its and "book worms" (gummy worms), and cheese stick pencils and pink cookie wafer erasers.

This year was especially fun to plan since Isabelle was such a huge part of coming up with ideas, decorating, and dreaming up her party. I love that it reflected Isabelle's passions and interests and was a sweet space for this mama and daughter to create together. 

In the end, the party was a breeze to put together and all the giggles from Bella and her friends created a ton of fun.

Happy Birthday, Bella. I can't wait to see what your ninth chapter holds!

Wanna see what we've come up with in the past? Check out Isabelle's Pancake and Pajamas Party and her Birthday Art Expo and Jackson's Pirate Paaaaarty.