Adoption Story: Emma

As an adoption consultant, I get a lot of questions about what makes the "perfect" adoptive family: questions around age, family make-up, even income. Are we too old? What if we have too many kids? We live in such a modest house...on and on the concerns can mount before you even start.

But what about a single woman wanting to become a mother? 

In over a decade working in adoption, I've found over and over again there's no perfect adoptive family. The misconceptions and myths we believe about adoption are just that, misconceptions. Expectant and birth families are looking for someone they pray will love their baby as much as they do. And they have unique ideas about the ideal family, just like everyone dreams of.

So I knew the first time I talked with Emma, I could confidently tell her that if God had called her to motherhood, there was an expectant family out there who would think she was the perfect mama for their baby. Today Emma shares her story: her fears, her wait, and her answers to the prayers she had been praying for years...

Like many who have gone through the adoption process, my story is one of waiting. But mine is a less traditional story of waiting. I was never that interested in marriage, but I always knew I wanted to be a mom. However, I thought I should be married, so I waited.  I waited for the right person to come along. Once I got into my late-30’s, my desire to become a mom was growing with each passing year.  I had discounted adoption as an option; after all who would pick a single woman when there were so many wonderful two-parent families to pick from? So I decided to get some fertility testing, and was told by my doctor I needed to move forward with aggressive fertility treatments almost immediately if I wanted to become a mom. It was a whirlwind; I didn’t feel comfortable with the course of treatment, but I thought I didn’t have any other options. I felt called towards adoption, but I ignored the desire God put in my heart and went with the doctor’s recommendation.

The fertility treatments were also full of waiting, and in the end none were successful. So a few years later I was back to square one, and I still felt strongly called towards adoption. This time, I decided to listen to the desire that God put in my heart. I investigated the possibility of adoption which led me to Susan and Christian Adoption Consultants. Susan was wonderful; she reassured me that she had worked with single moms in the past and she was confident that I could become a mom through adoption, but she never made me feel pressured. It was the opposite experience I had had with the fertility doctors I had worked with, and it was all I needed to sign with CAC in September of 2018.

Initially there was a rush of things to do, but then I had more waiting. The wait was challenging, and I presented many times with answer always being “not yet.” Then in July of 2019, an expectant momma picked me! This expectant momma didn’t mind that I was single, and she later told me the fact I was single was a positive for her rather than a negative.

However, even with a match, I had a five month wait for this baby to be born. Those five long months were exciting, joyous, and anxiety producing. But in December 2019, my son was born - I was finally a mom. I got the amazing privilege of deciding on a name together with his birth momma, and then getting to know her better. 

In the end, all of the waiting was worth it. Watching my son grow and learn every day is such a joy.  Every moment of waiting was worth it for him.

Adoption Story: Kevin and Caylee

What happens when all of your best laid plans come crashing down around you? When the dreams you had for your family seem to be unreachable and impossible? Caylee has been there; weeping at the dreams lost and feeling like their plans for a family were hopeless. Today she graciously shares the story of how two became three, how none of it happened the way she anticipated, and how it was better than they could have ever imagined.

It was December 31, 2018, I was laying in bed with a pillow soaked with tears, asking God why He was allowing my life to be this way. Two weeks prior we had lost our second baby in a very unexpected second trimester miscarriage. In 2018, we lost two babies within a five month period, in two completely different ways. I was sobbing a talking to God when He clearly told me that our next baby would not come from my womb. I would love to tell you that I stopped right there and surrendered it all to Him, but that is not what happened. We were waist deep in the middle of IVF; we started the IVF process the beginning of 2018 with three beautiful healthy embryos, and two of them were in the arms of Jesus. In my mind, we couldn’t turn back, we had to complete the path we were on. With one embryo left my “plan” was to move forward as soon as my body was healed.  

We started preparing my body for our third embryo transfer in April, and our transfer date was set for June 24, 2019. Everything was going according to “plan” until the end of May, when one of my lab test came back abnormal, and it was going to postpone our transfer date three more months.  Devastation, anger, and hurt consumed me for about a week. Around the first of June that year, I was reminded of what God had spoken to my heart on December 31, 2018. Kevin and I had talked about adoption many times over the years, but we always thought the timing wasn’t right. That afternoon I emailed Susan with Christian Adoption Consultants to set up a time to talk the following Monday. We prayed and prayed over the weekend, asking God for guidance on this very new and scary road.  

On June 24, 2019, the very same day we had anticipated transferring our last embryo, we said a very scared “yes” to adoption. It's crazy to look back and see how He already told us something special and exciting would happen on that day, but it wasn’t at all what we thought or planned. We became an active waiting family on July 26, 2019 and our daughter was in our arms November 26, 2019, exactly 4 months later. 

Even though our adoption process was quick, it wasn’t without fear, doubt, and anxiety. Some days we would have three to four situations a day and other days we would see none. I will never forget the day our daughters expectant mom’s situation popped up on my email on a Friday afternoon. I read it sitting at my desk at work with tears in my eyes and knew immediately I wanted her to see our profile. Kevin and I talked and prayed about her all weekend, and on that Monday we told the agency we wanted to be shown. On September 10, 2019, we got “the call” saying that we had been chosen.  There were no dry eyes on either end of the phone. Such a special and sacred moment that we will never forget.  

The next two and a half months were spent getting preparing for the baby and loving and getting to know our daughter's birth mother. We will always cherish the time we spent with her and the conversations that we had. The first time we met her we feel like we instantly became connected; like family. Just like parenthood, adoption doesn’t come with an instruction manual. We formed a beautiful relationship with such a kind and selfless women and mother in a very short amount of time. On November 26, 2019 at 9:03am I witnessed our daughter, Ayla Grace, be born into this world. It was a beautiful and heavy moment that I will cherish forever. We had so many sacred moments in that labor and delivery room and in the halls of the very crowded hospital.   

Adoption is beautiful, and I am so thankful that I became a mother through adoption. We couldn’t imagine our life with anyone other than her, but that doesn’t mean her story doesn’t come without heartache and pain. Ayla’s birth mother had to make the hardest decision of her life to give us the title of mommy and daddy; a title we wouldn’t have otherwise. It’s all a lot. It’s heavy. It’s adoption.  It’s beauty born from brokenness. 

We thank Jesus for every twist and turn on our wild ride to become parents; we thank Him every single day for wrecking our best laid plans to fulfill our wildest dreams. 

Adoption stretches you; it stretches you far outside of your comfort zone, but it's there where we found our deep relationship with our Heavenly Father. I’m so thankful for the years of waiting, and the trash can full of one line pregnancy tests, because it led us to our sweet Ayla. A life without her is one we never want to know. If you are in the midst of infertility or adoption, don’t lose hope, God writes the best stories.    

Adoption Story: Cary and Crystal

I remember the first time I met with Cary and Crystal. We were sitting across from each other in a Panera and they were excited about starting their adoption journey. Just like other hopeful adoptive parents, they had their share of fears about adoption along with their excitement. Will we ever be chosen? Will our age impact our ability to adopt? Will this ever happen for us?

I was immediately impressed with Cary and Crystal's love for each other and their passion for becoming parents. And through the time they were with Christian Adoption Consultants, I saw over and over how dedicated they were to making it happen. These pictures and their story was an answer to prayers ten years in the making...

Cary and I have had adoption in our hearts for about ten years. After the death of a child, two failed adoptions, and a three year process, our beautiful Juniper Anne came to us in January of 2020.

Cary and I got married later in life, at 40 and 45 (it was a first marriage for us both). Cary had never had any children, and I had a son when I was young, as a single mom. We tried to conceive early in our marriage, but were unable at that point. We knew we wanted a child, and we knew adoption was for us. Just a year after we married, my son tragically and suddenly passed away. We had to put our adoption dream on hold while we grieved this life-altering loss.

Fast forward 10 years, and we are now holding a precious and healthy baby girl. Our hearts are so full... I’m in tears writing this. We may be older parents now, but we are full of love and dreams and passion for this miracle in our arms.

Not Your Typical Baby Shower: How to Prepare & Celebrate Well in Adoption

As with the birth of any child, there is much to celebrate in adoption! Any time a baby joins a family, we should celebrate new life and rally around the new parents with our support and excitement. Getting ready to welcome a child often comes with a lot of anticipation and joy as you prepare your home and share your news and plans with others.

But what if your child is joining your family through adoption? Should your preparations and celebrations look different? The short answer? Absolutely.

Parenting through adoption is no less special or important than becoming a parent through pregnancy. But becoming a parent through adoption is different than becoming a parent biologically. It's important not to erase these differences, but to acknowledge them and their impact on the choices you make. There are unique aspects to adoption that are critical to consider as you prepare:

• Adoption includes a birth family; there are other people involved to acknowledge and consider as you plan and prepare for a baby to join your family.
• Adoption involves loss; brokenness is at the beginning of adoption when a birth family, for whatever reason, decides they want another couple to raise their child.
• Adoption is about finding families for babies, not babies for families; this can shift our perspective and the choices we make throughout the process.
• Adoption is not final until consents are signed and finalized by a judge; this should impact plans, preparations, and heart postures.

In light of these important differences, here are some practical ways to honor the unique aspects of adoption while you prepare and celebrate:

Adoption Announcements

Like any parents, hopeful adoptive parents are eager to share the news of their growing family. This is a great way to not only update friends and family, but also include others in your journey. (I love these creative ways families I've worked with have announced their adoptions found here and here.) It's important to note that once you share your adoption plans, for many of your friends and family you will become an unofficial "adoption educator." In this new role, you have an incredible opportunity and responsibility to advocate for adoption; ensuring you use positive adoption language and extending grace as others learn about the process alongside you.

Match Announcements

An important step in the adoption journey is when a couple is officially "matched" with an expectant family. Most people prefer the term "chosen" since the expectant family has carefully chosen the hopeful adoptive family to parent their baby. When sharing the news that you've been chosen, it's important to communicate in a way that's open-handed and clear that adoption is the plan, but nothing is final until after the baby is born and necessary paperwork has been completed. This is also a great time to think of protecting the child's story. Very often, adoptive families regret all they shared at this stage and wish they had not disclosed private details, even to close friends and family. Remembering to guard the child and the expectant/birth family's story is critical, even in the beginning.

Gender Reveal

It's a current trend for couples to have some kind of a gender reveal party where they announce if they're expecting a boy or a girl. But as I've noted, adoption is not final until all paperwork has been signed. A gender reveal party easily communicates a finality and surety to the adoption plan that simply isn't the case prior to birth. 

Preparing Older Siblings

Just like anyone preparing for a new a baby to arrive, preparing your children for the arrival of a baby brother or sister is an important step for families. But talking about the complexities of adoption can be challenging, especially with little hearts trying to make sense of hard topics. One easy way to do this is to focus on the idea of preparing your home for a baby in case another family needs help. When the language shifts from a specific baby and timeframe to being ready in case there's a baby that needs a family, it can help communicate your family's desire to help a child versus find a child.

Setting up the Nursery

To prepare for your home study, most often the room for the baby doesn't have to be ready (and let's be honest; for most families the baby sleeps in the parents' room in a bassinet for the first few months anyway!). When couples ask me if there's a "right time" to set up the nursery, I always tell them to do what feels right for them. For some couples, the thought of walking by an empty nursery while waiting for a baby to arrive feels painful. But for others, the tasks of painting a baby's room, setting up a crib, and finding the coziest rocker is a practical way to prepare and dream of the child they will one day be caring for in that room. Just like couples who attend prenatal appointments and birth classes, setting up a nursery can be a way of getting ready for the birth of a baby. It's also wise to decorate in neutral tones to prepare for a boy or a girl.

Birth Announcements

In an age where it's easy to give updates within minutes, we see new parents posting news of a baby's birth within hours. There is a special sacredness to adoption and those first days and hours when a baby is born. Very often, this is a time when the mother (and possibly the father and their friends and family) have to spend with the baby. It's often full of immense emotions and critical for the hopeful adoptive family to take the birth family's lead as to what they want the hospital experience to look like. In light of this, it's wise to wait to share any news or pictures of the baby publicly until consents have been signed. Instead, focus your time in the hospital loving the birth family well; giving them the time and space they need.

Baby Showers

Every mother (or couple!) deserves a party celebrating the arrival of a new baby and adoption is no exception. The question for adoptive families is more about timing; when to have a baby shower. Sometimes the easiest way to celebrate with a baby shower is after the baby has been placed with the adoptive family (after consents are signed). Setting up a gender neutral registry of necessities while waiting for placement can also be helpful. Many families find that a baby shower after the baby has been home for several weeks is a great way to celebrate. They often have a better sense of what they need and it's a sweet time to have family and friends meet the new addition.

Finalization Day 

Many couples take the opportunity to celebrate the day the adoption is finalized in the courts and often mark that as a special anniversary yearly in their family. Some families also call this "Family  Day" or "Adoption Day" (the phrase "Gotcha Day" has historically been used but generally has a negative connotation now since it can imply some kind of ownership.) This can be bittersweet, especially for the child as it not only marks a celebration of a new family, but also the separation from the birth family. Using sensitivity, especially as the child grows, to their feelings around this day will be helpful as you navigate how to/if you will mark this occasion in your family.

Clearly there's much to celebrate and consider when adopting a child. Here's some final questions that might be helpful to ask as you think about how to honor adoption and the entire adoption triad (adoptee, adoptive parents, and birth parents) when it comes to preparations and celebrations:

• Does this honor the expectant/birth family?
• Does this put unnecessary pressure or expectation on an expectant family?
• Does this acknowledge the plan of adoption (vs. assuming something is sure)?
• Does this feel too premature: could we put this off until later when the time might be more fitting?
• Does this consider protecting the child's story that is theirs alone to tell?

Before a baby is placed with you, your focus and top priority should be on educating yourself, preparing for parenthood, and taking every opportunity to love the expectant and birth family well. There will be years to celebrate your child and the joys of parenting. Waiting a few short months to celebrate well and at the right time is a beautiful way to honor your child, their birth family, and the choice you've made to grow your family through adoption.

In the end, that kind of preparation and celebration is worth it.

Adoption in Uncertain Times

There's no avoiding we're living in uncertain times. With the outbreak of COVID-19, our daily lives have all been personally impacted in a way I don't think any of us were anticipating just two weeks ago. Our metropolitan area is currently under stay at home orders for thirty days and our schools have switched to e-learning for the rest of the school year. And very slowly, I'm learning of people I know personally who have the virus. Although I'm used to working remotely, my husband is currently working out of our master suite and we're preparing our breakfast nook for home schooling activities starting Monday. The news changes daily with new precautions, broader restrictions, and rising numbers of people infected.

As an adoption consultant, I'm fielding a lot of questions about the impact of the caronavirus on the adoption process. Are adoptions still happening? Are adoption agencies still running? We've always thought about adoption but is now the time to dive in?

Here are a few things we know for sure:

There is still a need

Unlike some things in our economy that grind to a halt with social distancing and stay at home orders, there are still mamas having babies. There are still birth families making adoption plans for their children. There are still expectant moms in need of support and counsel and care as they decide what is best moving forward. No matter what's happening with a pandemic or our economy, there are still women (and men) who need people walking closely with them. The agencies and attorneys we work with across the country are still just as committed today as they were last month to ensuring they provide this kind of care to birth and expectant families. We know, just like every other area of our lives, logistics will look different when it comes to the details of adoption. But just this month, four of my families have been chosen by expectant families and four babies have been born and placed into their adoptive parents' arms. 

There is still life to be lived

We're all getting used to living a "new normal." In our home we're setting up new rhythms and routines to get through this season. There are some things we're pressing pause on which has freed up time we've literally never had before. The time this space has opened up can be used to move forward on an adoption plan in ways you haven't had time for before. Completing home study paperwork, filling out adoption grant applications, creating a beautiful profile for expectant parents to read, and praying for the baby that might be placed with you and their birth family. How can you dream with your spouse about growing your family? Or prepare your children for another sibling? Are there ways you're preparing (connecting with others, trainings, books) to be an adoptive family? There is still so much that can be accomplished in the adoption process in the midst of life right now!

There is still a God in control 

God's plans for the world and for your family can't be thwarted. His perfect plans for building families can't be delayed or canceled. We can move forward with confidence in His constant care and provision for us. Jesus reminds us that today has enough worry of its own (Matthew 6:34) and has promised us grace for the day. We can rest in his faithfulness and goodness that remains unchanged in these constantly changing times. He is our refuge and strength and a very present help in trouble (Psalm 46:1). God is still caring for people; including hopeful adoptive families and expectant and birth families in the midst of all of this.

So how to we move forward with all of the uncertainty? Although the stability of things around us seem to be changing at a frenetic pace, we know we can rest in the truth of Lamentations 21:22-24:

But this I call to mind, and therefore I have hope: The steadfast love of the Lord never ceases;

his mercies never come to an end; they are new every morning; great is your faithfulness.

“The Lord is my portion,” says my soul, “therefore I will hope in him.”

Click these links for more of how Christian Adoption Consultants can help you on your adoption journey and CAC's commitment to our families during this time.

Adoption Story: John and Lindsey

Sometimes adoption is a long road. And sometimes adoption can be more of a whirlwind. That was the case with John and Lindsey who started the adoption process in July and by Christmas had their daughter in their arms. Although it was quick, it wasn't easy. I'm thankful that Lindsey so openly shares the story of their daughter's beginnings and their commitment to God's plan, no matter how it was going to turn out...

As soon and John and I were engaged, we sat down and talked about children and what we wanted our family to look like. From the beginning, God placed adoption heavy in our hearts. Two years into our marriage, we decided we wanted to start our family. After a year of trying we decided proceed with infertility treatments to hopefully start growing our family. Sadly we lost a baby through miscarriage in May of 2019.

A month later John brought up the topic of growing our family through adoption. I was still mourning the loss of our baby, but I spent the next month praying. By July, my prayer became, "God, whatever your plan is for our family, I'm ready." 

That same month, I got in touch with Susan from Christian Adoption Consultants. We started the process mid-July, completed our home study, and our profile was active at the beginning of October; it was a whirlwind. We presented to three situations but none of them panned out. Then, the week of Thanksgiving, we got the call we had been waiting for. We had been matched with an expectant mother who was due in just six weeks! We began preparing a nursery in a hurry.

The end of the expectant moms' pregnancy was going as expected and just a few weeks later, on December 17th, we received an email update about her prenatal appointment. All was well and she was scheduled for another routine appointment the next week. But it was just two hours later that we received the phone call that mama was in labor! The rest of that day was spent packing, traveling, and praying for mama and baby.

When we arrived the next morning, we heard the update that the sweet baby had been born, but the birth mother was unsure of her adoption plans and was rethinking what was best for both of them. Our hearts sunk, but when we heard she still wanted to meet us we were eager to connect with her. We didn't get a chance to meet the baby at that time, but we spent time with her amazing mama who was so sweet and kind. She was apologetic about the adoption plan and we said goodbye, not knowing how the story would end. 

We checked into a hotel and wrestled with the possibility of returning home without a baby. I can remember taking a shower and crying. During my cries to God, I remember praying, "I know we are going to be okay and no matter what happens, this isn’t going to define us as people." We clung to Psalm 3:3, "But you, O Lord, are a shield about me, my glory, and the lifter of my head." 

Our day was filled with fitful sleep and lots of tears and prayers. I finally decided to take a walk on the beach. I can remember walking and hearing the ocean waves and how soothing it was. I sat down overlooking the ocean and prayed again, asking God to be near to us, and the birth mother, and direct the outcome according to what was best. After that prayer, my heart was finally at ease, knowing God would take care of all of us, not matter what.

When I retuned to the room, we received a phone call that the birth mother had decided that adoption was the best decision for her and the baby. We returned to the hospital and had the opportunity to meet our daughter for the first time. Over the next 24 hours, we had the chance to visit more with her birth mother who kept the baby in her room until she was discharged. We're so thankful she was able to take all the time she wanted and made a decision she can be confident in. The moment she placed her daughter into our arms, we were filled with such joy and heartbreak all at once, knowing she was saying goodbye. 

Later that day we introduced our daughter, Cora Lynn, to our family and friends with overwhelming gratitude to God. I'm writing this story as I'm holding our little girl now, with that same gratitude for the journey God brought us on. God has been so good.

Adoption Story: Jon and Kathy

I remember when I first talked to Kathy. It was evident within minutes the huge heart she and Jon have for their family and for children. They were in the midst of finalizing their adoption of three children: making them a family of ten! But Kathy had a sense that their family was not complete. And more than that: she had a deep sense that they needed to prepare their home quickly. It was just weeks after they officially became a family of ten that they became a family of eleven. And I learned Jon and Kathy don't just have huge hearts for children, they are also committed to love and embrace a birth family. Today Kathy shares their whirlwind adoption and God's sovereignty over it all.

It’s been a whirlwind of an adoption year for our family! Our first adoption was thirteen years ago when a sweet little newborn landed in our laps in the process of working with the homeless outreach program in our church. Though Matthew’s adoption journey has been very different from our other four adoptions, it was his adoption that God used to spur us on to welcoming more children into our hearts and home in this last year! Our next three adoptions came after our sweet little sibling group of three spent almost 800 days in the foster care system. But they became our forever children in August of 2019. 

And then, in September, 2019, a month later, we became home study approved and began presenting to expectant mothers. We knew this adoption would be different from the start. Our family was not only going to be on the receiving end of a miracle bundle of joy, we also were waiting with bated breath for an expectant mother to choose us to love and adore her child for a life time. What we learned in this process was that the hand of God was so strong and sovereign. He lined up every single detail and didn’t leave one thing undone. He caused our hearts to begin praying for our baby’s mommy long before we even knew her name. We covered her in prayer as we sensed her intense emotions over her decision to make an adoption plan. And we covered her in prayer the day we knew she was choosing a forever family for her baby. 

When the email came through on a Saturday, the subject line of the mail said “URGENT.” Immediately my heart stirred, "Spirit-bumps" covered both arms, and I felt an overwhelming desire to know more. In this process, we sensed God was going to move fast and ask us to step up to love a child that “urgently” needed a forever home. So with this sense of urgency, I called the caseworker. She gave me some more details and I remember sitting at my computer to write her a letter and pouring my heart out to her. I know I prayed. I know I cried. I know I wondered if this baby could be our son? And on Sunday, the birth mother began the arduous task of going through family profiles. She began this journey at noon, with her baby only 48 hours old, knowing she would be walking out of the hospital that day, empty handed, but a heart filled with love and sacrifice. At 1:30, my cell phone rang with a Florida number. It was the caseworker asking us if we were ready to be parents to child number 9! Shocked, excited, overwhelmed and overcome with emotion, I asked, as humbly as I could, with tears in my eyes, “she picked us!?”  And yes, she picked us! Our crazy big family drew her in! We packed up the family and headed to Florida. 

We joyfully, gratefully, and amazingly held our sweet five pound baby boy the very next day. Max was born 7 weeks premature. We spent the next 6 weeks with him in the NICU; bonding and growing together as a family. One of the most amazing experiences was meeting his birth mother two weeks after he was born. She came back to the hospital and sat with me and Max for almost 5 hours. We talked and shared life stories as if we had known each other for years. God knew. He connected our heart strings together and caused us to love each other even when we first met because He knew we would love a baby boy together for the rest of our lives. 

In this adoption journey, I have come to realize the sacrifice a birth mother makes. I have such a beautiful respect for her and for her choice to put him first and herself second. During my stay in the NICU with Max, a nurse told me she didn’t think his birth mom would follow through with the adoption plan. I asked her why. and she simply said, “because she came to visit him all the time and hold him all the time in the 48 hours she was here.” I smiled at that nurse and I simply said, “How great for him to be loved so deeply by two mommies.” 

To anyone beginning this adoption journey, or anyone still on it, I would encourage you to keep the faith, to pray, trust, and wait…and remember the words Susan told me, “God won’t let you miss your baby.” You will be holding your son or daughter soon; God already has the plan in place.