Here’s a question most families DON’T know to ask at the beginning of their adoption journey:
How do we protect our child’s story?
It’s one that is rarely asked in the beginning because so much of adoption at the front end of things is about the adoptive parents: how should we go about adopting? How do we find an ethical agency? How can we afford adoption?
But a question ALL adoptive families should be asking, even before adopting, is how to protect their future child’s adoption story.
Here’s why: people are naturally curious about adoption, about the process, and about the people involved. And we want friends and family to be on the journey with us: with their support and prayers. But our role as parents is to protect our child’s story from the very beginning. Because really, this is their story, even more than it's ours.
So how do we balance inviting people into the story while also protecting the children involved?
Ultimately, we are careful about sensitive information regarding the child, their birth family, and many of the specifics. We want to protect sensitive information that includes things like why an adoption plan was made, the specifics surrounding their conception, and if there’s a history of any mental health or substance use. There’s a difference between being secretive and protecting privacy.
Two helpful questions to ask before sharing ANY information:
Is this something I might regret sharing later?
Does this respect my child’s privacy and the privacy of their birth family?
It’s important to remember that once information is shared, it can never be taken back. And we don’t want others in our child’s life to know more of their story than they do.
So how can you gracefully respond when people ask questions you can’t answer? We could say something like We want him to be the first to hear about his/her adoption story, and so we have chosen not to share personal details of their story with others. Or that's her story, so I want to respect her privacy by not sharing those details. Thanks for understanding.
If you’re currently at the beginning of your adoption journey, it might help to give friends and family a heads up about how you plan to protect these details, so they know why you’re sharing generalizations. This can actually head off a lot of awkward conversations right from the beginning.
Parents have a vital role in their children’s lives to be staunch gatekeepers of their story: to keep it safe and protected until the child decides who they want to share their story with, in their own way and in their own timing.
Because ultimately, it's a child’s story to tell.
