It's been quiet around here for awhile. This is the first time since I started using this space that it's been dormant for over a week. My goal is always to keep writing, keep sharing about my journey, or adoption, or God's extravagant grace.
But last week, on the blog and in my heart, things didn't go as planned.
There's always the tension in my heart to keep things pretty and neat and easy to communicate when sharing about my life, especially is such a public arena. But, of course, as it is with all of us, that's simply not how things always are. I'm slowly coming to a place where keeping things transparent and real is more valuable to me than the pride of looking like I have it all together all the time.
A week and a half ago I found out I needed a minor surgery that I could schedule at my leisure. Quick, outpatient, and back to normal life within days. But things went unexpectedly downhill at a rapid pace and at the end of a rough week I ended up with emergency surgery. Then, when the hours turned into days of pain and no relief of recovery, I was admitted to the hospital with complications. What we thought should be a quick fix and not a big deal turned into five rough days of inpatient procedures to finally get me on the road to healing. And now I'm looking at several hard weeks of recovery.
And really, this has been the picture of my life for this season. An emergency in another form that threw our lives into a tailspin. Then, what we thought would be a period of quick recovery has turned into months of hardship. My expectations of what healing would look like have turned out all wrong, and much harder than originally anticipated.
Last week, in the quiet of the night when the pain was too much, all I could do was listen as Jamy read the Psalms over me.
I wait for the Lord, my soul waits, and in his word I hope. (130:5)
The salvation of the righteous is from the Lord; he is their stronghold in the time of trouble. (37:39)
My soul is down cast within me; therefore I remember you. (42:6)
Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits, who forgives all your iniquity, who heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit, who crowns you with steadfast love and mercy, who satisfies you with good. (103:1-5)
And now, in the quiet of night when I still ache, this time more in my heart than in my body, I need those truths to still sink into my brokenness and fill it up with hope. When the wounds are still raw and real I need Jesus to soothe them with his grace and presence. His nearness in the brokenness makes all the difference.
Last week, when all I could do was cry out to Jesus for help to take another step, it was a poignant reminder of the reality of all of our lives.
Life doesn't go as planned.
The journey is sometimes more rough than we anticipated.
When life gets even harder, I get desperate for Jesus.
In my desperation for him, I can rest in this sacred space of recovery and healing. Trusting that he will work to make all things new and bring true redemption.