Adoption Story: Erik and Sarah

I knew the moment I first talked with Erik and Sarah that they had huge hearts. Their love for each other and their son was so evident. And they were developing a love for adoption. From the very beginning, they knew they didn't just want to open their arms and hearts to a baby. They wanted to love an expectant and birth family as well. Erik and Sarah didn't know all this would mean for them as they went through their adoption journey. It would include heartbreak and hardship. But it would also include hope and an unexpected and beautiful relationship with a couple that they treasure. Sarah graciously shares their journey to parenthood and the family they couldn't have known they would find on the other side.

It has taken me 9 months to put our story on paper because, frankly, I just did not know if I could write it down. The adoption process and the wait felt both long and short. It pulled my husband and I together some days and apart other days. It brought us great sadness and great happiness, sometimes even on the same day. But now we are here, with this precious little girl and in an open adoption with her birth parents. It was all worth it. Here is our story.

I will lay out our timeline because while we were waiting I would read others’ stories and search like mad for specific details to try and figure out how much time they spent at each step. In early 2017 we went through a number of failed rounds of IVF and we were at a crossroads. I was ready to continue IVF at any and all cost, my husband, not so much. He felt he was done. He was satisfied with our family, he wanted me to be satisfied too. We had a wonderful two year old boy who was created by IVF, my husband was happy.   

A few days later my best friend was telling me about a friend-of-a-friend who had adopted two children through Susan VanSyckle. A week later I was on the phone with Jamie (thank you!), who opened her heart and story and explained so much to me.  Father’s Day, June 15th, 2017, I brought up adoption to my husband and he was willing to consider it with me. So I emailed Susan that night and we signed up with Christian Adoption Consultants that week. Three months later, mid-September, we had completed our Home Study, Profile Photo Book and Agency Applications. We started receiving profiles of expectant mothers in October.  

In November we matched with an expectant mother in Florida due in January. Two weeks later we flew to Florida to have dinner with the expectant mother. We felt we hit it off great with her. We returned to Florida for the birth of this baby boy in mid-January 2018, however, the day after the birth she decided to parent. It was the right decision for her, but it was a deep dark time for us. We returned to Virginia and we decided to take a break. Well, we really did not know what we wanted to do, we were just existing. We tried to simply get through it one day at a time. Our friends and family supported us. It was so hard, but we started to breath a little easier as the days turned into weeks. 

In March 2018, another agency emailed with me and asked if I was going to complete our application with their agency. It was an agency that I had dropped earlier because we had matched in Florida before we had a chance to complete their paperwork. I told her I would go ahead and complete it but we did not know if we were going to try for another adoption. A few days later we decided to go on a family vacation, just us and our son.  The day before we left for the vacation we received a profile of an expectant mother sent to us from that agency. We decided to submit our profile book to the expectant mother. We started to feel hopeful again. On vacation we learned the expectant mother had narrowed it down to us and another couple. The last day of vacation we found out that we were not chosen. However, two weeks later, early April, that same agency sent us another situation, of similar characteristics, because she felt it was a possibility for us. We again submitted our profile book to this new couple because we liked everything we read about them. That same evening we found out they had chosen us. A week later we found ourselves talking to them on the phone. They could not have been any sweeter, cooler or more open. We were now in our second match in approximately five months. We flew to Texas the next weekend to meet this new couple in person. Later, a c-section was scheduled for June. We waited and built our relationship via text and phone calls with this couple. Baby Victoria Alair was born on June 21, 2018. For those who are counting, our journey took exactly 1 year and 7 days from the day I emailed Susan until we were holding a baby.

We named her Victoria Alair. Victoria is after her birth mother. Her middle name is my middle name.  I intended to name her Alair Victoria, but it just didn’t feel right, her birth mother came before me, her name should reflect such.

Post-birth was bitter sweet. We now felt like her birth parents were our friends. We were in one room crazy happy. They were in another experiencing deep pain. Paperwork was signed in the hospital at the 72 hour mark. We then checked into a hotel with baby Victoria to wait out ICPC. Victoria's birth parents visited us in our hotel every night. I know it was not easy for them to show up, to see us with their baby, but they did it because they really wanted to see her and connect with her. If you have not been in this spot yet, please do not let our situation scare you away from adoption. It was only because of these two particular people that it was okay with us. Had it been under different circumstances, we would not have been as open or willing to start the openness immediately. 

ICPC took the full two weeks. We were given permission to return to Virginia on July 7th. I jumped immediately to book a flight, I was dying to reunite with our son. Baby Victoria slept that morning while Momma Victoria helped me pack. (My husband had already left Texas the prior week because he needed to return to work). Momma Victoria followed behind me in her car as I drove with baby Victoria to the airport. She drove straight, as I veered off the road towards the airport. I will never forget that moment.  

Now we have this precious bundle of joy between the four of us. We have a family consisting of birth parents and an adopted child that we never imagined in our wildest dreams. However, we also have a daughter for which we have big hopes and dreams and birth parents who we have to thank for all of it. Daily my husband says we are blessed. I returned to Texas with baby Victoria when she was three months old for a quick three day visit. I know it was not easy for them, the wounds still so raw, but they wanted to see her and I wanted them to see her. They returned the favor when she was six months old by flying to Virginia for a four day stay with us during Christmas. We plan to see them again in Texas around her first birthday.

There is definitely a lot of unknowns between now and when baby Victoria is all grown up, but I am confident we will all just try and do the best we can for her, because we all love her.  

Adoption Myths and Assumptions

We could never have an open adoption; we don't want to confuse our child or have the birth mother take them back!

Adoption is too expensive - how can someone 'buy a baby' for that much? It's like a black market!

Is there really a need for adoptive families in the U.S.? We heard there aren't enough babies to go around and we're not even infertile...

These are just a few of the comments I hear often from people who find out I work as an adoption consultant or from hopeful adoptive parents.

When it comes to the subject of domestic adoption, there are a lot of misunderstandings on the topic. Some stem from how adoption used to work in the U.S. (with primarily closed adoptions that were stigmatized), how some adoptions today are mishandled or unethical, or news and media that portray adoption a certain (often misinformed) way. But I've found that most of the myths and wrong assumptions people have about adoption are simply because they don't know better and need some insight and education.

If I'm honest, I probably believed a lot of these myths and shared these assumptions until I began working in adoption: as a birth parent counselor, an adoptive parent case manager, social worker, and adoption consultant and director. And after working with birth and adoptive families for years, I've learned a lot (and am still learning).

Today I wanted to break down some of the most common adoption myths and assumptions and offer some insight from my experience working in adoption. As in everything else, education is the best way to address what we assume we know or unknowingly and subconsciously learn from outdated practices or ill-portrayed media. Knowledge is power and that's especially true when it comes to learning about adoption.

WHERE the need is

Myth: There's a line of families waiting to adopt domestically and not enough babies available for adoption. 

Truth: There is a great need for adoptive families, specifically for babies who are minorities and substance exposed/affected.

Most adoptive families have the experience of working with a small, local agency. Very often these agencies do a handful of adoptions a year but do many more home studies for families. This often equates to a longer wait (1.5 to 3 years) for families to be matched with an expectant mom. It also means they sometimes limit the families they work with. But there are agencies (that might not be local to a hopeful adoptive family) that serve many more expectant families and are looking for hopeful adoptive families because they don't have enough locally. 

In addition, while it's true that there are a lot of families waiting to adopt infants who match their family portraits and they feel like come with guaranteed health, there are a number of children who desperately need adoptive families to say "yes." There are children every day who end up in foster care because there was not an adoptive family willing or available to open their home. Several years ago this need was overwhelmingly with children of color, specifically African American. Today, the need is for families open to children who were exposed to substances prenatally. 

So the need is absolutely there, but very often an adoptive family simply needs to connect the dots (or work with a professional who can help them make those connections) to find how and where they can meet the need.

For more on this topic: If Only This Were the Truth, A New Approach to Adoption

WHY adoption is costly

Myth: Adoption expenses are unnecessary and exorbitant.

Truth: Adoption expenses are essential to ensure an adoption happens legally, ethically, and all parties in the adoption triad are cared for.

Adoption is expensive. Although adoption costs can be across the board from $25,000-$50,000, the average domestic agency adoption costs $43,239 (Source: Adoption: By The Numbers). These expenses include agency fees, birth parent care, medical expenses (if insurance isn't involved), and legal fees. Of course there are adoption professionals out there who do take advantage of some of these fees, but working with ethical professionals ensures adoptions expenses are used for the right purposes and that an adoptive family avoids the common financial pitfalls.

The good news is that financing an adoption isn't impossible. I've walked with hundreds of families who never had that amount in their bank account but were able to finance their adoption with a little creativity and hard work. And were you to ask any of them, now they they have their child in their arms if it was worth it, they wouldn't hesitate to say they would do it again in a heartbeat.

For more on this topic: The Cost of Adoption

WHEN a family should start the process

Myth: A family needs to have everything in order, especially their finances, before beginning the adoption process.

Truth: There are resources available to help families, starting in the very beginning, to help a family begin their adoption.

It's common that families believe they have to have everything figured out before beginning their adoption journey. While there's wisdom in having a plan, I've found that a lot of families can get paralyzed simply with the amount of decisions there are to be made in adoption. Where will we get the home study? How do we feel about open adoption? What about becoming a transracial family? How will we come up with the costs? How do we find a good attorney? The questions can seem endless.

The good news is adoptive families don't have to have all of the answers to begin the process of adopting. The even better news? They don't have to go it alone. There's a limit to the amount of "googling" and information seeking that can be done on the front end and without knowing how to filter what's helpful or not. Finding an adoption professional to help guide them and a community to support them is key to a successful adoption. Once that's in place, a hopeful adoptive family can confidently move forward, knowing they have the resources at hand they need to adopt.

For more on this topic: The Steps to Adoption

WHAT to consider with the complexities of adoption

Myth: Adoption is a happy ending for everyone.

Truth: Adoption is a complex mix of joy and challenges.

There's an assumption that adoption looks a little like a fairy tale; with nothing but smiles, sweet stories, and "happily ever afters." But adoption always begins with brokenness. The reality is that if sin and brokenness weren't a part of our world, adoption wouldn't be either; birth families would always be in a position to parent their children.

Adoption doesn't just begin with brokenness; it can be woven throughout. There's a child living outside their biological family, possibly outside their ethnic culture. There's a birth family who continues a life without that child. The impact of the grief and infertility doesn't go away simply because a family was grown through adoption. This doesn't mean that God doesn't meet us in our brokenness and can't redeem it, but being aware of the tension that this reality creates is so valuable when considering all that's involved in adoption.

For more on this topic: The Unexpected Journey of Adoption

WHO the birth family is

Myth: All birth families fit a common stereotype.

Truth: Birth families come from all walks of life and are just as unique as the hopeful adoptive families on the other side.

There truly isn't a specific box that all expectant and birth families fit into. In my work as a birth parent counselor, I've worked with birth parents who were young teens and grandmothers (truly). Mothers who were attending college and unemployed. Women who were expecting their first child, for others it was their eighth. Women who were single, married, lesbian, blue collar, professional...the list goes on.

But they always share one thing in common. Every single mother has a desperate, selfless, and sacrificial love for their child. Each one has made the courageous choice to do what they feel is best for their child, despite a tremendous desire for that to be to parent their child themselves. I've never met a birth mother who didn't have a tremendous love for their baby.

For more on this topic: The Truth About Birth Parents, Dear Adoptive Mom: What Birth Parents Wish You Knew

HOW openness really works

Myth: Open (and semi-open) adoption will harm and confuse the child and allows for ambiguity in parental roles.

Truth: Open (and semi-open) adoption has been found to be best for all parties in the adoption triad (the child, birth family, and adoptive family).

It's common that there is fear surrounding open adoption (for both the birth family and the adoptive family), but it's often based on the misunderstanding that open adoption looks like coparenting. Instead, open adoption simply allows for some level of ongoing communication and relationship with between the birth and adoptive family. Instead of threatening the adoptive family, this relationship offers more people to love the child, first hand answers and clarity about the child's adoption story, and assurances that adoption was in the best interest for the child. A recent longitudinal study showed support for open adoption and ongoing relationships and benefits for both birth families and adoptees, even into adolescence and adulthood.

The reality is that openness is both beautiful and challenging; a lot like many other important and valuable relationships in our lives. Some level of openness can offer tremendous benefits: a birth family can have the assurance that they made the right decision. An adoptee can know first hand about that decision and have critical information about their identify. And in addition to having key medical and social information for their child, and adoptive family can help build an incredibly valuable relationship for the entire adoption triad.

For more on this topic: Open Adoption 1.0, 5 Myths of Open Adoption, Navigating Openness

This has been just a few common myths and assumptions people have surrounding adoption. Do you have any you would add?

For more Adoption Resources, Tutorials, and Adoption Stories: click here!

Repost: Adoption Resources

In an effort create an easy "go-to" list of adoption resources, I've compiled this list of some of my most popular blogs on the topic and thought I would repost it today. Find a topic you're interested in or use it as a guidebook or roadmap to help you navigate your adoption journey!

Getting Started

The Steps to Adoption 

Keys to a Successful Adoption

Who Is Called to Adoption?  

The Cost of Adoption

Viral Adoption Situations (and what the real story is)

Adoption Myths and Assumptions 

Hiring an Adoption Consultant

Why Hire An Adoption Consultant

A New Approach to Adoption

Is Hiring a Consultant Worth It? 

Why I Recommend Hiring a Consultant 

So You Want to Hire An Adoption Consultant 

The Home Study Process 

Your Home Study Survival Guide

Preparing Your Home for an Adoption Home Study

Infertility and Adoption

What I Wish You Knew About Adoption and Infertility {Part 1} 

What I Wish You Knew About Adoption and Infertility {Part 2}  

What I Wish You Knew About Adoption and Infertility {Part 3} 

In Their Own Words: Mother's Day

What to Expect When She's Not Expecting

Waiting in Adoption

What To Do While You Wait

What I Wish We Knew While We Were Waiting

Truth To Cling To in the Wait 

Dear Mamas in Waiting 

What if We Never Get Chosen (Every Adoptive Parents' Fear)

Openness in Adoption

Open Adoption 1.0

5 Myths of Open Adoption

Navigating Openness

Making Promises in Adoption

Silence on the Other Side 

Expectant and Birth Families

For Birth Parents: A Guide for Your Adoption

The Truth About Birth Parents

Dear Adoptive Mom: What Birth Parents Wish You Knew 

The Perfect Adoptive Family {What Birth Parents Are Really Looking For}

Adoptive Mamas Talk Candidly About Birth Parents 

Raising a Child Who Was Adopted

Extending Grace in Adoption 

A Letter to My Real Son 

Other Adoption Resources 

Positive Adoption Language

Creating An Adoption Hospital Plan

Creating Your Family Profile

Your ICPC Survival Guide

Read hundreds of family's adoption stories here! 

If I Could Say One Thing...About Being Matched with An Expectant Family

Being matched with an expectant family can be a mix of excitement and anxiety. It's thrilling to be to that stage in the adoption journey, but soon the reality of entering into a relationship with another person or people sets in. How do we engage with them? How do we love them well during this time? How do we begin building a lifelong relationship with strangers for the sake of the child? Today adoptive parents and hopeful adoptive parents share their experiences and what they've learned along the way.

It's like climbing the next step on a very long ladder. You’re another step closer to your dream, but you are still climbing to the unknown of the outcome. I clung to the quote: “Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase.” (Martin Luther king Jr.) It kept my perspective off of the journey itself, but on the purpose behind it: my faith and walk with God.  - Andrea

Keep the focus on the expectant mama/parents. I sent weekly encouragement cards to our birth mama (expectant mama at the time) and she told us she had never been loved like that, and that that kind of love was so foreign to her, but fulfilled her in a way that nothing else ever had. Focus on THEM. It keeps your mind off yourself and the unknowns, and can create a beautiful experience between yourself and the expectant parents. Also, lean in to God. Only He knows the end result, and though that’s hard to accept sometimes, it helps strengthen your walk and trust in Him. Trusting that if this is the right situation, God will guide the steps perfectly, but if it’s not the right situation, He’ll guide those steps perfectly, too. You want to have the baby God intends for your family, and if it doesn’t work out, though incredibly hard, it means He has something even bigger and better in store for you. Wait with trusting hearts in His ultimate plan. He’s not just a good Father. He’s a good GOOD Father, and will only give us the best.  - Andrea R.

Learning the heart of an expectant family is a tragic, beautiful, and prayerful path. Be patient, loving, and kind, and trust in the knowledge that God is over you all through the process. Pray for them daily, and, if given the opportunity, take advantage of the time you have to speak with them. Listen more than you talk. Offer comfort and compassion. Most importantly, love them.  - Katie W.

Hmmm....hard to live, but try not to sweat it. I was going to say don’t sweat the small stuff...but in the moment it’s not small! Go with the flow. Be kind. Ask questions. LISTEN! Everyone wants to be listened to...understood...HEARD. I feel like that is amplified in this situation. Be yourself...but less of yourself as you concentrate on someone else’s story. This part of the journey is not so much about you. It’s about someone else and they NEED to know and understand that. The other thing is love. Love them. They are not necessarily used to being loved. Let alone loved unconditionally. I think I tried to show them how I was going to love their daughter by loving on them...with my words, my comments, my expressions, my actions (not by things and stuff!).  - Katie S.

One thing that was suggested to us in the hospital was to buy a journal for our daughter’s birth mom and just present it to her in case she wanted to write anything down for us to share with our daughter in the future. Her birth mom was very shy (especially around my husband) so we took her lead on how much she wanted to have my husband around. And then we just let her know there no was pressure whatsoever with the journal but if she thought of anything over the couple days we were in the hospital all together she could write it down. Nothing was too small. Since we were matched just two weeks out from the delivery and had only met her the night before we didn’t know much about her, but didn’t want to overwhelm her with questions either. It’s just a sweet little journal and I am so happy to have it to go over with it when our daughter is older and ready. It includes simple things like her birth mom's birthday, activities and sports she liked as a child, and things she craved while she was pregnant. She even included info like when her birth mom’s mother went through menopause so tiny bits of family history. It meant a lot to me and I’m so thankful we have it.  - Ashley

It’s such a BIG moment for everyone involved. It helped us to remember that as excited and as scared and as hopeful as my husband and I were, there was an expectant mom who was having all the same feelings and then some. It helped us to connect with her when we understood it was a huge leap of faith for her too. We also had to resign ourselves to accepting that we had not walked in her shoes or her life experience that brought her to making her adoption plan. We could not always understand her choices or thoughts, so that’s when we had to surrender to grace and love and to a God that was bigger than all of it. It was not always easy, but our faith in Jesus grew as did our love for our daughter’s birth mother during that time.  - Tracy

Prior to being matched, the thought of developing a personal relationship with a total stranger seemed very daunting. But being on the other side now (twice!), I'd say just pour out love and respect them. I see the love they have for their children and the gut-wrenching decisions they made and I stand in awe of them. The love I have for both my sons' first mamas was truly my biggest surprise with adoption! Developing a relationship is not always easy, but oh so worth it!! And remember, they're just as nervous about it all as you are.  - Gayla

It's a very surreal, unfamiliar yet beautiful experience. You are being matched, through a third party, to someone who is going to have a huge part in the rest of your life.  - Nathan

They remain the parents of this child, through and through! We get to love and support them, and then if they decide to parent their child...we can grieve for us but not blame them.  - Natalie

Being matched is an opportunity to pray over and love on someone in a very difficult time, no matter the outcome. We have been matched with both open and closed situations. In closed situations, I’ll send a gift and encouragement through letters if they are receptive to that. In open situations, I make sure to always ask our expectant mom about herself and her life before I talk about baby. I think it’s important that she know we genuinely care for her and her well being, not just the baby growing inside her.  - Michelle

For more in this series:

If I Could Say One Thing...About Beginning the Adoption Process
If I Could Say One Thing...About the Cost of Adoption

If I Could Say One Thing...About the Adoption Home Study

If I Could Say One Thing...About Expectant and Birth Families

If I Could Say One Thing...About the Wait in Adoption

If I Could Say One Thing...About Caring For Your Marriage During An Adoption

Stepping Into the Hard: An Adoptive Mom Shares Candidly About Open Adoption

You've met Breanna here before and heard the beautiful story of how their son, Judah, came into their family. Today I'm honored to share more of that story, specifically about their open adoption. Breanna shares honestly about the openness in their adoption. But even more than that, she shares candidly about the openness in her own heart: how God used open adoption to invite her to step into the hard things, knowing the beauty that was on the other side. We hear often about the logistics of open adoption: how to maintain the relationship and what it can look like. But what about the feelings and fears deep down in an adoptive mama's heart? What does it look like to honestly face not just the myths, but the realities of open adoption? I'm so thankful for Breanna's raw, real, and vulnerable words as she shares some of these often unspoken pieces of adoption.

Open Adoption.

If there are two scarier words to a woman entering the adoption process, I don’t know them. I also didn’t know that stepping into an open adoption would mean stepping into so many areas where God wanted to change me.

One of the first things you decide at the beginning of the adoption journey is if you are willing to enter an open adoption, a semi-open adoption or a closed adoption.

Let me just tell you what my first thought was when I heard the term open adoption. It was a big NO…absolutely not. Followed by a trail of thoughts of what I thought open adoption would look like. How THAT LADY would have no say so in raising MY child. How I didn’t want to turn into some Hallmark show where a family shows up on my doorstep wanting THEIR child back. And everywhere I turned, there was someone else feeding into my fears of the unknown. And if it’s unknown, then it must be the worst possible scenario ever!

Have you noticed that in life when you are in a situation where fear is living inside you, that there is ALWAYS someone who wants to share the scary story of their friend’s aunt’s kid’s neighbor? And that story, however crazy and half true it might be, just solidifies your own fears. Seriously people, I am way worst-case scenario all on my own. I can’t even watch Criminal Minds anymore because my mind just shouldn’t go there. My poor sheltered kids.

So, I just wanted to share MY story over the next few blog posts. Straight from the horse’s mouth to show that maybe it is hard, but maybe it’s also worth it. And maybe, just maybe, God wanted our family to extend love beyond just a precious baby.

Open to God’s plan.

If you’ve read our story, you know we were matched locally. When we first decided open adoption was something we were willing to consider, we were thinking of an open adoption with a family likely living in a different state. We were thinking of a visit once a year or so and some shared pictures in between. We were thinking of control, safety and privacy. So, when we said yes to an open adoption to someone living in the same area, we really had to re-evaluate what we had just said “yes” to. And frankly, Judah joined our family so quickly and open adoption became real so fast, that I just wasn’t prepared for what was next.

Inner Battle.

The Bible talks about a battle between our flesh and our spirit. And I can’t think of a better way to describe the battle that took place inside of me over the next year. Most of it I didn’t share with anyone but a few close friends at the time. Because I still didn’t know on where I landed with the whole idea of open adoption. Because I wasn’t confident enough in my decision to hear the opinion of what others thought. And, because it brought out all the ugly inside of me that I didn’t want others to see.

I tried to cover up my self-righteous thoughts and call it wisdom.

I tried to cover up my pride and call it protection.

I tried to cover up my lack of love for someone different than me and call it best for my child. But, again and again God, through scripture, would remind me that my ugly was in fact my sinful human nature. And that I could either continue to find excuses to cover it up.  Or I could let God use this new relationship to mold me.

For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. Galatians 5:17

So, I said yes to changing. And just like changing my over tired child at the end of a long day, I went through it kicking and screaming. But just like many things in life, I can look back and see God’s beauty in spite of my ugly.

This is the benefit of stepping into hard things. God may highlight the mess in your life that you didn’t even know was there. He may call you out from your comfortable, deeply ingrained thoughts and turn your world upside down. He may expose your pride, your worry, your jealousy and your apathy. He may point out your ugly. And gently whisper, “I can make this beautiful.”

I will be sharing three lessons I’ve learned through our open adoption over the next few blog posts. My hope is that it may help another adoptive family considering open adoption, or any family who is hesitant to say yes to something hard.

You can find part two of this post here (it gets even better!) and follow along for more of Breanna's journey to openness. For more of Breanna's story and writing, head to her blog at Easy Like Sunday Morning.

Adoption Resources

In an effort create an easy "go-to" list of adoption resources, I've compiled this list of some of my most popular blogs on the topic. Find a topic you're interested or use it as a guidebook or roadmap to help you navigate your adoption journey!

Getting Started

The Steps to Adoption 

Keys to a Successful Adoption

Who Is Called to Adoption?  

The Cost of Adoption

Viral Adoption Situations (and what the real story is)

Adoption Myths and Assumptions

Hiring an Adoption Consultant

Why Hire An Adoption Consultant

A New Approach to Adoption

Is Hiring a Consultant Worth It? 

Why I Recommend Hiring a Consultant 

So You Want to Hire An Adoption Consultant 

The Home Study Process 

Your Home Study Survival Guide

Preparing Your Home for an Adoption Home Study

Infertility and Adoption

What I Wish You Knew About Adoption and Infertility {Part 1} 

What I Wish You Knew About Adoption and Infertility {Part 2}  

What I Wish You Knew About Adoption and Infertility {Part 3} 

In Their Own Words: Mother's Day

What to Expect When She's Not Expecting

Waiting in Adoption

What To Do While You Wait

What I Wish We Knew While We Were Waiting

Truth To Cling To in the Wait 

Dear Mamas in Waiting 

What if We Never Get Chosen (Every Adoptive Parents' Fear)

Openness in Adoption

Open Adoption 1.0

5 Myths of Open Adoption

Navigating Openness

Making Promises in Adoption

Silence on the Other Side 

Expectant and Birth Families

For Birth Parents: A Guide for Your Adoption

The Truth About Birth Parents

Dear Adoptive Mom: What Birth Parents Wish You Knew 

The Perfect Adoptive Family {What Birth Parents Are Really Looking For}

Adoptive Mamas Talk Candidly About Birth Parents 

Raising a Child Who Was Adopted

Extending Grace in Adoption 

A Letter to My Real Son 

Other Adoption Resources 

Positive Adoption Language

Creating An Adoption Hospital Plan

Creating Your Family Profile

Rethinking a Failed Adoption

Your ICPC Survival Guide

Read hundreds of family's adoption stories here! 

Repost: Open Adoption 1.0: A [mini] Tutorial

One of the most common questions and concerns I get from adoptive families has to do with open adoption. Can it really work? Are the horror stories true? How does it work for the child? Today I thought it would be helpful to share again the most common questions and my responses about openness in adoption, what we've learned over the years, and what it's REALLY like...

Those two words are enough to strike the fear of God in people: "open adoption." No matter who you are, I've found that nearly everyone immediately goes to the most recent Lifetime movie of the "big bad birth mother" who shows up on the doorstep of the adoptive family with a golf club demanding her baby back. Or the crazed tabloid story of the father that took the baby to the forests of Digibuti and never returned.

I've had this discussion with dozens and dozens of adoptive parents. And other mothers. And friends. And strangers who find out what I do. Because everyone wants to know what it really looks like and if it really works.

So let me just talk to you about open adoption like I would with one of my adoptive families. We're in your living room and you've brewed me some Starbucks to win me over. Done.

I would say this: "Get over it." (OK - I don't really say that.) But this is something like what we would chat about...

Years ago almost all adoptions were closed.  A young woman got "pregnant out of wedlock" and went to "visit Aunt Jean in Oklahoma" for several months. She would deliver, most likely not be given a chance to even meet her baby, and return never to speak of the life-changing event again. Then a sweet young couple dealing silently with infertility would be notified that a baby who matched their skin tone and hair and eye color was ready and waiting for them. Only close friends and family knew the baby was adopted and they would never speak of it again either. Until that sweet baby got to be an adult and they discovered the truth: "Happy 18th Birthday! Here's your original birth certificate - you were adopted [insert super awkward pause here]..."

OK - the story didn't always work out that way. But more often than not, this was a typical plot line. And you've heard it because many of these people ended up on Oprah or Regis and Kelly with tearful and dramatic reunions.

Today we know better. We know that closed adoption is usually not the best for anyone in the adoption triad (birth parents, adoptive parents, and adoptee). For the birth parents, openness offers incredible closure and solidifies their choice for adoption. For the adoptive family, they have important information (social and medical) that make up a huge piece of their child. And for the adoptee, they've heard first-hand from the source the reasons their birth parents made an adoption plan. The child also has more of a sense of identity (I got my brown eyes from my birth mom and my love for music from my birth father's dad) which is invaluable for their sense of worth.

Many people think openness will lead to second thoughts, confusion, and Lifetime movie drama on their own doorstep. Instead, it leads to honesty, insight, closure, and genuine relationships.

Openness is a continuum. For as many different families who have adopted there are just as many variations to openness.

• Open adoption is typically when the birth parents and adoptive parents have open communication after the adoption of the child.  First and last names including contact information are shared openly between adoptive and birth parents. An ongoing relationship is developed.
• Semi-open adoption allows the adoptive parent's contact information to remain completely confidential, but allows a meeting between the birth and adoptive parents prior to or at birth. A semi-open adoption also often involves emails or letters and pictures sent periodically throughout your child's life. 
• Closed adoption is when the birth parents and adoptive couple typically remain completely anonymous.  Only a social and medical history is shared concerning the birth parents. They do not meet or even know first names. 

Here's the concerns and questions I'm asked almost every time I get into a conversation about open adoption:

We don't want to confuse our child.  We want them to know we are their parents.

Usually we're the ones that make things confusing. If the birth and adoptive families are clear about their roles and aren't rivals, the child won't be confused. Just like some of us know and have unique relationships with two sets of grandparents, it doesn't mean we don't understand the important and often different relationship we have with each of them. Ignoring or undermining the significance of a child's birth parents can undermine the child's identity.

We don't want the birth parents to change their mind.  What if they see us and have second thoughts?

Open adoption actually solidifies a birth parent's choice for adoption.Rather than wondering "did I make the right choice? Are the adoptive parents really who they said they were? Do they love him as much as I do?" - the birth parents actually get to SEE their child being loved like crazy and know they made the right decision.   

What if the birth parents are intrusive or don't approve of our parenting style?

The birth parents have chosen the adoptive family to raise their child. Usually, they have received excellent counsel and fully understand the adoption process.Birth parents recognize that they are not in a season to parent and are giving up the ability to parent their child in the traditional sense of the word. After consent is signed and the adoption is finalized, it's understood that the adoptive family is the legal parents in every sense of the word.

So what does openness look like, really?

I've seen families walk this out literally hundreds of ways. I know a family who has set up a private blog and they update their birth parents (and the birth grandmas!) with picture and video updates. Another family sends pictures monthly to add to a scrapbook they made for the birth mom. Many families text updates and pictures. Most families send picture and letters through email. Some celebrate holidays together. I know one couple even who babysit for their now 3 year old daughter! 

Here's the crazy thing: these same fears that adoptive families have are the exact same fears birth families have. I've sat in numerous coffee shops with mamas saying they want to be sure not to overstep boundaries and want their child to know they've chosen an adoptive family to be parents. Big bad birth mama complex?  Right out the window.

You see, these are women who have made the ultimate sacrifice. They are the antithesis of selfish women who only want what's best for themselves. In an open adoption, they have hand-picked a family to raise their sweet baby. Birth parents aren't baby-snatchers. Because of their immense love for their baby they have chosen adoption. Is it hard? Yes. Do they waver and second-guess? Almost always.  But they are the heroes that deserve more than our questioning raised eye-brows. They have chosen LIFE when the world tells them otherwise. They deserve our awe, respect, and honor.

Bravelove, one of my favorite adoption resources, specifically for birth families has several stories of open adoption on their website. Here's one of my favorites that gives such a beautiful picture of the kind of strong love it takes for a mother to make an adoption plan and the joy that open adoption can be.

Sarah's Story from BraveLove on Vimeo.

Really, openness happens best when it's organic. I didn't sit down with my best friend at a coffee shop the first time I met her and chart out our friendship: OK, I need email updates from you every three months, pictures of your family every 6, and these are my plans for celebrating your birthday... Real relationship  is a gradual and slow process. I can't tell you how many families I've worked with who were scared to death at first at the thought of an open adoption, and then met the birth mama and fell in love with her. I've had many families who feel like they've also adopted the birth family and all become like extended family.  

My only caution is this: it's much easier to slowly open the door than to need to slam it shut. Openness happens in a healthier way like other relationships: gradually and slowly.  

I was reading my twitter feed awhile ago and came across this: "I woke up this morning and heard my son's mother reading scripture to him." I immediately had tears in my eyes. It was Mother's Day and one of my sweet birth mamas had traveled across the country (as she has several times now) to visit her son and his adoptive parents. And she was celebrating her first Mother's Day with the mother she had chosen for her son. They are like family now. I can't think of a more beautiful picture of open adoption.

Here's the bottom line: is open adoption hard? YES. But what relationship that is truly valuable isn't. My only "easy" relationships are with the barista and the grocer. Hard, messy, genuine, and worthwhile relationships usually happen in my living room.  

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Repost: 5 Myths of Open Adoption

In my work as an adoption consultant, one of the most common questions I get (from hopeful adoptive families and others who are curious about how it all works) is about openness in adoption. I've shared a lot in writing about openness, including tips for a healthy open adoption and a series on navigating openness. Today I thought I would repost some helpful thoughts dispelling common myths about open adoption.

I've found there is an air of mystery surrounding open adoption and a lot of questions from my adoptive families first beginning to contemplate adoption and what will be a good fit for them.

What will our relationship with the birth family look like in the years to come?

What kind of contact will we with have with the birth mother?

Will the birth father overstep his role?

Is openness even good or healthy for our child?

For adoptive families, it's critical to wrestle with these questions early on in the adoption process and understand the benefits and challenges to open adoption.

Openness in adoption describes the relationship between the adoptive family and birth family. Years ago, closed adoption was the only option. Pregnancy outside of marriage was looked at much differently and a woman was expected to make a secretive adoption plan. A closed adoption ensured she wouldn't shame herself and her family and allowed the adoptive family to avoid admitting publicly that they had fertility issues.

Closed adoptions led to a lot of problems. Children who didn't know their stories. Birth families who had no idea if their children were loved and well cared for. Adoptive families left with gaping holes in their child's medical history. 

Now we know that some level of openness benefits everyone involved in the adoption triad (the adopted child, the birth parents, and the adoptive parents). But there are still many popular myths that are still believed, even after the research has shown how positive openness can be. Many of these myths come from the media that exploit the rare negative experiences or Lifetime movie dramas. 

So today we're busting the myths about open adoption. Here are the top 5 I hear often:

1.   Open adoption is co-parenting  

Some people assume that with open adoption comes co-parenting with the birth family: sharing parental responsibilities and decisions and even custody or time. When an adoption is finalized, the adoptive parents become the legal parents of the child. A new birth certificate is issued with their names listed as parents. That means that all of the decisions, custody, and rights lie solely with the adoptive parents, even if the birth family disagrees with these decisions. A better way to look at open adoption is co-loving the child rather than co-parenting.  

2.   Having an open relationship with the birth family is risky since they might change their mind and decide to parent

Not only is a new birth certificate issued at the time of finalization, but at that time the adoption is also irrevocable. This means that when the birth parents make an adoption plan, sign consent forms, and the adoption is finalized by a judge, it is final; the child is forever a part of that family. This is one reason it's critical to have adoption professionals (like a consultant, agency, and attorney) who know what they're doing walk beside you to ensure all of the necessary legal steps are taken. Once an adoption is finalized, even if a birth parent changes their mind, the adoption can not be overturned.

3.   In open adoption, birth parents regret their decision

The assumption is that if a birth parent sees their child growing up they will change their mind. Actually, open adoptions often have the exact opposite effect. A birth parent can see firsthand that their child is loved and well cared for. Instead of wondering if they made the right decision, they are able to witness firsthand the blessing their decision has been to a family and have confirmation that it really was the best choice for their child.

4.   Open adoption only benefits the birth family

Not only does a birth family get the assurance that they made the right decision, but the benefits of openness also extend to the child and the birth family. The child knows their birth story, has a healthy sense of identity, and has the assurance of their birth parents love firsthand. The adoptive family is able to be aware of medical and social issues in real time, not just from a form that was completed during the pregnancy. And the entire adoption triad serves as a sort of beautiful extended family for everyone involved.

5.   There are no boundaries in open adoption 

Just like all relationships we have in life, boundaries are good and healthy to have. I have yet to hear of a birth mother who shows up on a doorstep unexpectedly. More often birth mothers are hesitant because they don't want to encroach on the family she has chosen to help create. As in relationships with grandparents, extended family members, and friends, healthy boundaries are necessary and include open communication, clear expectations, and seasons that are closer than others.

By no means do I want to communicate there is a one-size-fits-all method to pursuing open adoption and what is best for each family. Openness is on a spectrum and is unique to every family (birth and adoptive). Finding the right fit is to be prayerfully considered and can change throughout the adoption process and the child's lifetime. 

It's also worthwhile to note that these decisions are harder to make with a nameless, faceless couple who are future birth parents. I've often found that once an adoptive family and birth family meet and the process of getting to know each other happens organically, much of the fears subside. When a true relationship is formed, bonds are created, and the best interests of a shared child is a mutual goal, openness can create a beautiful story for everyone involved.

For more on this topic, check out this post: Open Adoption [A Mini-Tutorial]

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