Adopting has it's unique hurdles and challenges. The adoption process, bonding with a little one who has no genetic connection to you, navigating birth parent and transracial issues; the list can be endless.
But possibly one of the most frustrating and sometimes infuriating for adoptive parents is how friends, family, and even strangers speak of their adopted child's birth family. There are still assumptions about big, bad birth moms that come straight from the Lifetime movie channel with birth moms who show up on doorsteps with golf clubs demanding babies back. Reality is far from this picture and wouldn't come close to creating a movie drama.
Recently a friend and adoptive mother told me that even though people around her have started to use positive adoption language, they still often speak negatively about her son's birth mother. This woman is now like family to them and when people speak poorly of her, it cuts deep.
I asked adoptive parents to complete this statement: What I wish people knew about birth parents is...
Here's what adoptive mothers had to say, and it might not be what you expect.
About who
they are
They are courageous selfless women,
who ultimately LOVE
their child and want what’s best for them! ~Shauna
Birthparents
grieve. ~Tracie
They are
some of the most honest and loving people I know. ~Alicia
Not all birthparents are troubled
teens. They are greatly admired - what brave and strong people [they are]!
~Erin
I understand that she hasn't made
the greatest choices in her adult life, but she's human and we love her and
people don't seem to understand that it is hurtful to us to speak derogatorily
about her. ~Elizabeth
They are just people with feelings
just like us. It is so easy to love them when you put yourself in their shoes
and realize the sacrifice they are making...they are a part of us forever no
matter how much contact we have with them. ~Kim
They are
selfless! ~Erin
They are brave. Brave enough to sacrifice their bodies, their
reputations, their jobs, their relationships with friends/family, etc., all
because they know LOVE for the LIFE of their sweet child growing inside of
them. They could have an abortion. They could keep a child in a dangerous or
unstable situation. But they choose the harder road, because it is better for
their child. What honor. What privilege to know people who can love like that.
What joy to be given the gift of raising that blessed child. ~Ashley
About the
decision they make
The decision that they make for
their child's future in NOT the easy way out. It is NOT because they
don't want their child or are GIVING them up. It is because they LOVE, and the
decision is HARD. ~Tracie
They love and do "want" their children. They did not
place for our sake, to make us parents. They did it for the child's sake. ~Stacey
They made
this decision because they want the best for their child. ~Heather
They did not "give their baby
away." They made a courageous choice to give life and a future to their
child because of their love. ~Katie
She chose
LIFE and for that we are forever grateful! ~Annette
Birthmomma's are my hero's!
Regardless of their circumstances they chose life and they ultimately made the
best decision they could for their child. Even terminating rights isn't
something they HAVE to do at birth. They are still making an incredibly selfless
decision. ~Sara
About
security in the adoption process
They are not scary, and I'm not
terrified they will come back one day to take my kids away! They are legally my
kids, and it can't happen. Also, they do not confuse my children. They
know they grew in their birth mom's belly, and I am their mommy. ~Heather
I'm not
afraid they will come back for my child. ~Erin
Birthparents
do not try to tell me how to raise my child. ~Tracie
Birth parents are not to be feared. Like us, they love these
children and their decisions for them are made out of love. We do not need to
"protect" our children from their birth families. We are not cowering
in fear that they will "take back" the kids. Even before the
revocation period was over for each of them, we had peace, knowing that God was
in control of where the kids would end up, and knowing that if our children's
birth families chose to parent that decision would also be lovingly made. We
respect and celebrate our children's birth families and are proud to be
connected to them forevermore. And they appreciate us, too--they do not hate us
for "taking away their babies." They have expressed love and respect
for us. Just as our children, and they, are answers to our prayers, we are an
answer to their prayers. We are on the same team, birth parents and adoptive
parents, working together to promote the wellbeing of our precious
children. ~Jennifer
About the
relationship they share
I love them
with a deep love I didn't know before adoption. ~Heather
Relationships between us and our birthfamilies are different and
change over time. We love them regardless of how close we are or aren't. We
hope to grow closer over the years if possible. The birthparent story is for my
child and that birthparent and we do not freely share very personal information
with others who are curious. ~Erin
Our relationship with our birth
family isn't intrusive or inconvenient. It is a gift that we cherish. Birth
parents that desire an open relationship aren't not letting go - it brings them
joy and healing to know and see the child they carried and love is being well
loved and thriving. ~Angela
They become a part of your family.
Even if you don't have an extremely open adoption. They are a part of you, and
you will pray for them the rest of your life with fervor...because you love
them and care for them. It is something that may creep up on you, but as you
fall in love with your child...you fall in love with them. It is a part of adoption
that most people think they want to skip over. I find that these people I never
knew much about- I want to learn. I want to know more. I want to show them
love. After all - they have shown me love in a way that is very real! ~Dawn
I wish people knew that we view her
as a member of our family and to not talk about her to us in any way they
wouldn't talk to us about one of our sisters. ~Elizabeth
They become a part of your family.
Even if you don't have an extremely open adoption. They are a part of you, and
you will pray for them the rest of your life with fervor.....because you love
them and care for them. It is something that may creep up on you, but as you
fall in love with your child....you fall in love with them. It is a part of
adoption that most people think they want to skip over. I find that these
people I never knew much about- I want to learn. I want to know more. I want to
show them love. After all - they have shown me love in a way that is very
real! ~Kym
I'm not scared or threatened by them. They're now a part of our
families story and we love and pray for them. My children (adopted older) love
their birth parents deeply and miss them, and we encourage that. Wouldn't want
it any different. ~Kim
They are
entirely selfless in their decision. They love the child as much as anyone, and
it's this love that compels them to do what they believe is the best for the
child at all costs to themselves. Our birth mother is utterly precious and we
all consider each other family now. ~Amanda
These are just a handful of thoughts and stories, born out of families who have embraced adoption and the reality of extending their family beyond their baby. I've seen it happen hundreds of times. Families who start the adoption journey anxious about the birth family and the reality of relationship. Then they meet the birth mama...and possibly the father, and the grandmother, and a sister... Then they have faces and names and the side of the story. And then they end of falling in love twice. They anticipated loving this child. But never dreamed they could hold that kind of love for the birth family as well.
Adoption is full of beautiful surprises.
If you want to read more about birth parents, openness, and real stories, click here.
If you want to read more about birth parents, openness, and real stories, click here.
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