The End of the Night

Five weeks ago, we had a beautiful night at Whitefield's Daddy Daughter Dance (a masquerade ball this year). Admittedly, one of the things I love the most about putting on the event is planning it with an amazing committee and my best friend, Gretchen.

This picture was taken exactly two hours before we left the dance that night. The entire committee left by caravan and Gretchen and her three girls were just a few minutes ahead of us in their van. It's crazy how a magical night can change into a nightmare in an instant. We arrived just moments after their van was hit by another vehicle that had lost control and was spinning in the middle of the highway. Gretchen had hit the other car that spun wildly into her lane at highway speeds.

When we got to the scene, it honestly looked fatal. The thought flashed through my mind that I might have enough time to say goodbye to Gretchen if I ran fast enough. There was tremendous relief when I saw Gretchen climbing through the driver's window, see me, and scream that she needed help getting her babies out of the van.

The next half hour was a whirlwind of wreckage, rescue crews, and following the ambulance going 80 miles an hour to the nearest hospital all while whispering prayers of peace and protection. Miraculously, God protected their family and there were only minor injuries considering the head on collusion after a night in the hospital.

We've looked back at those moments that could have been life-changing dozens of times. We're astounded at God's sovereignty over it all. The timing of the accident and the ability for Gretchen's husband, our family, and another dear friend to be at the scene moments after it happened to offer help before rescue crews got there. The saving grace and protection for Gretchen and her daughters as well as the other driver. And the ways in the weeks that followed that an entire community came to love and care for their family as they worked to recover and heal.

This was what was left of a chalkboard that was decorated for the dance that was in the crash. A few days later, Gretchen's mom turned the mask into angel's wings and hung it in their home as a reminder of God's goodness and faithfulness.

I'm incredibly thankful for a God who dances with us in our celebrations and protects us in our tragedies, even when they are sometimes moments apart.

#birthdayweekendextravaganza

This was my hash tag last weekend.

Last week was insanity. A consignment sale I prepped for. Two of my adoptive families matched with birth families. Two of my adoptive families had babies. One family visiting their birth mama for the first time. And a weekend full of fun chaos.

We celebrated birthdays over the weekend. Isabelle and her BFF, Jillian were turning 8. And Jillian's mama (my BFF) was celebrating a birthday too (a few more than 8). So our families decided to celebrate with a birthday weekend extravaganza.

It began with Gretchen and I picking up the girls from school for a surprise trip to the American Girl store. Both of them have been dreaming and wishing for Saige, and when we pulled into the parking lot, there was MUCH celebration (the screaming and shrieking kind). We had a personal shopper at American Girl who helped the girls pick out their dolls, had them try on Saige's outfits, and tour the store.

After shopping, both families loaded the mini vans and drove to Lawrence.  Gretchen and I had plans to run the Color Run the next morning. We spent the evening wrangling all six of the kids for dinner and swimming at the hotel.

The next morning, G and I got up at the break of dawn to run with thousands of KU students in the Color Run. Best. 5K. Ever. (And I should know now that I've run TWO.)

It really does live up to it's name: The Happiest 5K on the Planet. The Color Run is 5K meets dance party meets rainbows and unicorns. (Literally - the mascot is a unicorn). The rules are you wear white the the startling line and finish plastered in color. Afterwards there's a huge finish festival with more color. The kids loved it and you should have seen our no-longer-white bathrooms back at the hotel afterwards making attempts to clean up.

Did I mention we wore fun socks?

We topped off the weekend craziness with lunch at the local brewery, a trip to the Natural History Museum, and a birthday Art Expo birthday party for Isabelle and Jillian on Sunday (which deserves an entire blog of it's own).

The adults decided we really are good friends since we all still liked each other after all of the togetherness.  And the kids act more like siblings than friends anyway.

Overall, it was a huge win for the #birthdayweekendextravaganza. And this week, I sleep.

Friends are Friends Forever

Insert your eye roll [here] for the amazingly over-used 80's Michael W. Smith hit as a blog title. But I couldn't resist. This past weekend was full of cliche music lyrics, lots of laughter, and real conversations.  I wanted to write this post yesterday, but was rushed to the emergency room with a crazy headache instead (not on the agenda). Luckily, all is well and now I'm free to share about our weekend with some amazing people.

Jamy and I met Dan and Lori earlier this year. We immediately hit it off as couples and recognized the uniqueness to that. (Often I get along with her or he gets along with him, but it's rare that everybody likes everybody in couple friendships. Tell me I'm not the only one...)

It's refreshing to find people on this earth that you can be real with, who know your story, and get your humor and sarcasm. Downside to all of this: Dan and Lori live in Wisconsin. So when they stopped in KC for a 24 hour long visit, we jumped at the chance and savored every minute of laughter. The weekend was full of Jamy's good food, ice cream and shopping on the Plaza (not the local strip mall as Lori found out), church at Redeemer, and a patio lunch that lasted for hours before they had to jet. They loved on our kids and Jackson had trouble saying goodbye (see picture below).

At one point this weekend, Jamy pointed out that we've only had face to face time with Dan and Lori for a total of 5 days. And already we've swapped life stories (the real stuff), created memories, and share inside jokes.  

Real friendship, God-given friendship is like that. You pick up where you left off. You speak truth when it's hard. You cry together (also been done with Dan and Lori - day 2 I believe?). Even though we're not able to do life in the traditional sense together, we're thankful we have friends like this in our lives, even if they live 560 miles away.

And Lori, aren't you glad I didn't post the pics from the truck stop? 

Meet Mattie

A lot of you on my Twitter and Instagram feed have asked who Mattie is.

Let me make some introductions. Meet Mattie. He's a miracle.

I met Tracie, Mattie's mama, through adoption. We both worked at Hannah's Dream together and now work together as consultants for Christian Adoption Consultants. I knew the moment I met her for the first time at a little coffee shop that our hearts would be knit together. We're both passionate about our faith, our families, and adoption. Through the years we've laughed together, cried together, gathered our families for barbeques, cared for babies and families in the hospital together, all over lots of coffee.

John and Tracie have seven kids. They started with Nick, Taylor, and Isabelle (their biological kiddos). Then they adopted Elia domestically. Then they went to the Ukraine and adopted Emma and Aiden. And then, two and a half years ago, they adopted Mattie (Matthias). Honestly, I have to think twice about who's adopted and who's not when I think of the Loux family.

When John and Tracie adopted Mattie, they knew (as much as you humanly can) what they were walking into. They knew Mattie had Down Syndrome. They knew he would have heart issues. They knew there would be hard days ahead.  And they knew he was meant to be a part of their family. He was chosen to be a Loux.

Mattie was a miracle from the start. And he's a fighter. He's gone through numerous health battles in his short little life. But he's also reached literally thousands of people with his story. Our friend, Kelly, wrote about one experience here. (You won't be sorry to take the time to read it.) And that's just one story of how Mattie has touched lives. For anyone questioning the idea of "quality of life," you only need to be with Mattie and his family for a few minutes.  Mattie has a smile that's contagious. His older brother Aiden, who also has Down Syndrome, is his best buddy and they're inseparable. He can make your heart melt when he signs or sings. And that hair... I'm so thankful I'm Auntie Susan to this brave little man.

Late last week, Mattie developed an infection and was admitted to the hospital. He went downhill fast and quickly needed to be put of life support. Early Saturday morning, John and Tracie watched a few feet away while Mattie crashed and needed to be resuscitated multiple times.

Sunday when I went to visit I wasn't prepared for what I saw. In all the times I've visited Mattie in the hospital, I've never seen him this sick. Multiple lines going in and out of his little body and a ventilator so strong that it shook Mattie and his bed. I held his hand and Tracie's as I wept and prayed for his life.

Thankfully, Mattie is currently considered stable but still in critical condition at the local children's hospital. He's receiving amazing care and John and Tracie are rock stars. Their unwavering faith, dedication to their son, and strong marriage is an incredible picture of real love.

Please join me in praying for the Loux family. For tangible, practical ways you can love them, click here and for updates click here. Feel free to share this post to spread the word about Mattie's amazing life. And join Team Mattie, a map that shows people praying for Mattie literally all over the world. 

Mattie needs a miracle.  Luckily, we serve a God who is good at those.

What Not To Do

So, our family is coming fresh out of crisis. If you haven't been tracking, just look around this blog about 2 minutes and you'll find our story. I've learned a ton about grace, forgiveness, and real heart-work.  But I've also learned a lot about ministering to others while they're hurting. While we were broken, we had people show us the tangible love of God in a very real way. Being on the receiving end was humbling and eye-opening.  And it's taught me a few things about the next time I see a friend who's hurting. Now I know what not to do...

Don't ask for details

I don't think I'm unlike other women who only offer what they want to about their personal life. (Sometimes I wondered in my head what would happen if I really told the kid packing my groceries how my day was going...) There are certain boundaries you have to have to stay sane in a crisis, only sharing with those closest to you the details. Thankfully, almost everyone I came into contact with honored this. (There was only one person who asked for more details under the guise of a prayer request.) Instead of asking for details of the situation, ask how you can pray.  

Don't offer trite phrases

They're in a better place, God has a plan for everything, I understand what you're going through, you'll only be stronger for going through this, and on and on. A simple "I have no idea what to say to you right now" and a hug goes way farther than a sermonette on God's sovereignty. People who sat with me in the grief, let me cry, or brought me out for a girls night did more for me than any pithy statements with no real compassion behind them. People can tell the difference.

Don't say "Just call me."  

Along those lines, "I'm here for you - whatever you need. Just let me know." I'm sure you mean it, but it puts on a ton of pressure. With crisis comes real need. Dinners still need to be made. Bathrooms still need to be clean. Laundry still needs to be done. Life doesn't stop when there's pain. Offer tangible help. Take the pressure off and offer specifics (dinner on Tuesday, laundry service for a week, or a play-date with your kids). Even better, arrange for a broker. I actually had a sweet friend who worked as point person for our family. I communicated my needs (or she just knew) and she arranged for childcare, dinners, and other miscellaneous needs with those offering to help.

Don't assume it's over

Grief is not time-limited. Healing happens gradually and there's no time table or guide for the process. Anniversaries of loss are hard. Being there for the long-haul is treasured.


When we were going through our stuff, I'm thankful we had community around us who did this well. I'm even thankful we had those around us who didn't. It's brought a new perspective to those around me going through their own stuff. And who of us doesn't know someone going through a rough season? Let's carry each other's burdens. Let's get messy with each other in life.

Let's live in real community that doesn't shy away from the hard stuff but walks together through the brokenness. This is the place where real friendship is built.
  

I need someone who believes that the sun will rise again but who does not fear my darkness. Someone who can point out the rocks in my way without making me a child by carrying me. Someone who can stand in thunder and watch the lightning and believe in a rainbow.  Fr Joe Mahoney

I Went to Church Last Week

Many of you know Richy and Jess and their story. If you don't, you need to. Jess is a mama who guest blogged for me a few months ago.  

Here's their story in a really small nutshell:

Richy and Jess got married YOUNG

Richy and Jess went into ministry 

Richy and Jess started having a family

Jess started blogging all their adventures

Their family is incredible. I had a chance to meet them while doing their adoption for Tristan. I was wrote their home study and walked closely with them through the process since I also worked with their birth mom.  If you know anything about home studies, you know how much I know about the Clarks. After all of that, I can tell you that they are probably some of the most genuine and sincere people I know with a passion for God and their family.

Recently, the Clarks got some tough news. Their oldest son is having severe medical issues. Like any parent, they are doing all they can for him. And last week, friends sent them to California for special prayer. While they were gone, a team of people decided to bless them by redoing their son's room. They created a Facebook page, got a link together for donations, and got the word out.  

And then things exploded. What was going to be a redecorated boys room turned into a massive overhaul of their entire home. The Facebook page had over 1,000 members from across the country giving their time, talents, and resources. People from all over Kansas City came to help out donating thousands of man hours to the project, many who had never even met the family. Within hours of them leaving their kitchen was torn out. Think nothing less than Extreme Home Makeover. New kitchen, new appliances, new furniture, new linens, new floors, new e-ver-ee-thing.

So last week I went to church. I went over to help on the project. I didn't do anything huge. I organized a closet. I hauled over new furniture (during my stint there I was known as the girl with the van). I cleaned.  I don't think I've ever cleaned or organized with such joy or purpose before.  And while I was there, that same joy was on everyone else's faces as well. It was chaos. People painting and installing flooring and organizing the kitchen. Everyone using their own gifts to serve this family and God.  It was beautiful chaos.

Friends, this is what church is all about.  Church goes far beyond the walls of buildings we gather at once a week. It goes beyond brief "how are yous" between pews.  It goes farther than throwing a few bills in the plate. The church meets needs. And in this case, because of hundreds of people's generosity, the church was extravagant. Last week was a vivid picture of how God uses believers to be his hands and feet. How the body of believers can give out of the abundance of what's been given to us.

I want to go to church like this more often.

To see Jess' take on her home makeover and a video of their home, visit this post on her blog. Also, if you want to be a part of blessing this family, there's still time! Visit here for more info.

*I took these pictures from the Facebook page set up for the huge project.  Thanks to the photographers!

Farming Friendships

Last week we took advantage of fall break for the kids and a glorious day and headed to Johnson Farms. We went with our dear friends Justin and Gretchen and their four kiddos. We all met last year when Isabelle and Jillian were in kindergarten and Jackson and Caroline were in pre-K together. It's been an easy friendship and one where the guys get along just as well and the girls (a rarity after marriage it seems).

The afternoon was spent picking pumpkins, riding hayrides, watching the farm animals, and laughing with the kids as they explored together. The kids were in awe of the pumpkin shooter that that shot pumpkins a mile in the air and chased chickens and ducks around a pen. We also discovered Justin's mad photog skills with his phone that can take 1,234 pictures in ten seconds (helpful when attempting to get six kids to pose for a shot).

Gretchen and I are amazed at our daughter's friendship.  Isabelle and Jillian are best friends (aka BFFs) and have alarmingly similar personalities. They are both outgoing, strong leaders, stubborn, and dramatic. On that account almost as often as they are best friends they are worst enemies. You can imagine what this looks like on the playground when one of them creates a "club" and recruits members. Suddenly the president of the Irish Step-dancing Club and the president of the Mommy Club are in a screaming match about who serves better tea. But within five minutes of a fight, they are best friends again, forgetting they were members of opposing clubs and staunchly defending each other when the boys (aka bad guys) come to play tag.

They're also competitive  Not only on the playground but in the classroom. I just heard from their teacher that they race each other to get a right answer and if called on first, will look in the other's general direction, with victorious eyebrows raised. But they also cheer each other on; spurring each other to do even better in their schoolwork.

Luckily, the adults in their life are on to them.  I'm so thankful that Gretchen and I (and their teachers) are on the same page in desiring to shepherd our girl's hearts in a way that teaches them about true friendship, servant leadership, and putting others first. We've had multiple opportunities to use their friendship to teach them about God's upside down kingdom.

I can learn a lot from Isabelle and Jillian's friendship.

Celebrate your friends victories

Shield them from the bad guys

See their success as a challenge to be better yourself

Laugh at each other's silliness

Say "I'm sorry" and move on

Be passionate about your friendships

We could probably all benefit from these 1st grade girls. I often struggle to connect deeply with other women due to past broken friendships, fear of failure, and lack of time and energy. It was so much easier to connect with others when I saw them everyday in English class or in the dorm. Now with the busyness of a career and kids and housekeeping and general grownup stuff, friendships more easily fall by the wayside.

But we were created for community. We were created to live life with and for others. Even though it can be hard and messy and competitive and hurtful, having someone to defend you from the bad guys on the playground is worth it.

This is What Community Looks Like

A few summers ago friends invited us to a weekend parenting seminar at their church in midtown Kansas City. Free tips on how to raise our kids, free food, AND free childcare?  We were in.

It was good. Discussing how the gospel should impact our lives so deeply that it's core to our parenting was good for my soul. But even better was the discussion among the church members about how this really looked in their community.

I remember one guy asking, "But what if I don't see my buddy doing it (being a good husband, father, and leader in his home)?" What followed was a discussion I didn't know would radically change our families life. They talked about what it looks like in community where we, as believers, push each other to trust Jesus, love well, and hold each other to it. I had tears in my eyes overhearing how this community was living life together and I was aching to be a part of something like it.

Fast forward about three months. In God's crazy grace and sovereignty, we made this church our home and our community. And we began to live life with the body. We joined a gospel community, a small group made up of a handful of families that meets together weekly to break bread, dive into the Word, and do life together.

Our church set a goal for Gospel Communities that looked like this:

...for us to be a people who constantly remind one another of our desperate need to be centered around the truth of the gospel.  In this group we are dedicated to lovingly call foul when we see ourselves moving past the gospel and to helping one another repent and reorient our hearts around what Christ has done for us.  We will push each other to believe the gospel and to live gospel-centered lives that never get beyond God's redemptive story.  

And last November this really happened for us. I mean the above paragraph was lived out right in front of us and around us. Our Gospel Community became a safe place of confession and repentance, accountability to the truth of the gospel and it's life-transforming power, and constantly pushing us to trust Jesus and his ability to heal our family.

When our lives were turned upside down, our community of believers was there literally within minutes to help us weather the storm. There were men to walk beside Jamy through repentance and accountability,  there were women who supported and encouraged me living as a single mom for a season, and there were families who offered tangible support. We got way more than the pat, "I'm praying for you." Although they prayed for us (and we know this because they also prayed with us), they put teeth to their prayers and offered concrete support. Jamy had a place to stay for three months while were were separated.  I had help with meals and childcare. We had help financially to help pay for all of the counseling our entire family was accessing. There were gas cards and gift cards and letters and texts of encouragement. When I left on a road trip to go to my parents for Thanksgiving, just me and the kids, dear friends created busy bags for the kids, packed treats for me, and even fixed a broken headlight.

There were men and women in our community who literally walked us through some of the hardest and darkest days of our lives. I can remember one of my friends sitting with me in an earth shattering appointment and holding my hand when all I could do was cry. And another who grabbed my favorite Starbucks drink knowing I was about to walk through a few very hard hours and going with me.  They were Jesus to me.  They were my tangible reminder that I was not alone. And it made all the difference.

In January, Jamy and I invited our community to celebrate all that God had done for our family in those preceding months and witness our renewed marriage covenant (you can see the video here). It was an amazing time to share with the people who had walked so closely with us in worship, prayer, and thanksgiving.

And the great thing is we keep walking with them. We still receive love and accountability and childcare and encouragement from them. And God has slowly moved us into the place where we can graciously give to them as well.

This, my friends, is what community looks like.  A place where believers who are all broken are living out the gospel in a tangible, real, and sometimes messy way.   

What would marriages, families, and individuals look like if we all had a safe place to be transparent  to share the real struggles, and push each other to really believe the truth of the gospel? Marriages would be saved, families would be transformed, and individuals would know the true saving grace of the Rescuer.

Photos thanks to Jeremy and Ashley Parsons.

Are you aching that you don't have this kind of community like I once did? Find one. Can't find one? Create one. I often think of where my family would be had we not had a strong community surrounding us and  pushing us toward the gospel.  I'm convinced we would have had a much different story to tell. It was completely Jesus who got us through that season, but He used His people to do much of it.

I'm so grateful that God, is his infinite wisdom, gave us this body of believers. They are forever a part of the story of how God redeemed our family.

My [Im]perfect Life

I was out with some girlfriends recently. Dear friends who not only share my career but also my faith. We met through a local adoption council that meets monthly here in KC and after several lunches at Chipotle and sitting through some horribly boring conferences, we hit it off. Now we meet for coffee or dessert. And most recently we've been crafting together (which is hilarious since none of us are really very crafty at all). It started when one of them got married in a barn and had gobs of leftover burlap.  So we had "Breakfast and Burlap." We've started something...

The dear Nikki and Heather

But back to it. As we were crafting, we were chatting it up and I was sharing the update on my life. They were shocked that it wasn't going well. And I was shocked that they were shocked. These two women have walked pretty closely with me through life this past year and LOTS has happened that has't been sunshine and unicorns.They explained that they were shocked because keeping up in between our craftiness, they follow me on social media. And here's where it gets wonky; they said through my blog and Facebook and Instagram it looks like I have it all together.

What?!  I've been pretty honest here (about my failures at cooking and losing my job to name a few). I recently Instagramed a pic of how the gospel is kicking my rear (see James 1:2-4). And last week Jamy and I decided to start sharing our story which was HUGE to say the least.  

[Insert rear-kicking]

But I've found the same thing with my friends. I think there's mostly two extremes on social media. You either have those that lead extremely dramatic lives and love to live out the drama a little too publicly. Their Facebook page reads like bad country song or a really personal diary entry from seventh grade. Or (the more popular) Twitter feeds of amazing pictures of amazing kids from an amazing husband on your amazing vacation of your amazing life. Only the most fabulous and perfect are blogged and tweeted.

We owe it to each other to be honest. To leave the charade that we have it all together behind and start being real for a change. Because the reality is that we all go through stuff. Hard marriages, lost friendships, cancer, betrayal, bankruptcy, job loss, depression, and on and on. In general, we don't talk about it enough. And if we don't talk about it, we can't talk about our faithful God and walk beside each other in true community. We end up missing real friendship with others when we put on airs of having it all together.

The truth is, no one has it all together. If we did, we wouldn't need Jesus. Which is the lie that we sometimes buy into. If only I had a marriage like theirs...if we could afford that cruise...if my kids behaved that way...if I could fit into those jeans... But then what? When you can fit into the size 4 bikini and look hot on the cruise ship deck, have you nailed it? 

Our hearts were made for more. While we worship created things, our Creator wants us to look to Him. It's only when we face the reality that we don't have it all together and never will that we can rest in what Jesus has done, stop striving, and (here's the kicker) stop making ourselves look better than we really are.  

I'm willing to say that sometimes my life is pretty jacked up...if it means it can spark real conversations about real life and a real Savior who's coming to redeem this messed up, grace-filled journey I'm on.