How do you sum up how you became a family? How do you share the amazing ways God moved Heaven and Earth to accomplish His purposes? How do you begin to put words to the years of prayers and paperwork and plans to add a child to your home?
When Heidi called me around this time last year, she was right in the middle of their story. Wondering what the end would look like and who God would add to their family. Matthew and Heidi were in the midst of rerouting their plans for international adoption and wondering what God had in store. Today Heidi tries to put all of it into words: the twists and turns, heartbreak and tears, prayers and praise. I'm so thankful Heidi shares so candidly about their journey to their daughter and the hope they were able to cling to in the midst of it all.
When I sit down to write about this testimony, my mind wanders to all the “beginnings” of our adoption journey. Do I begin when I was in college and first felt a stirring to adopt? Do I begin 10 years ago when God spoke into my heart again to adopt? How about when we began and privately met a woman looking to adopt and she chose us but changed her mind three weeks before her due date? Perhaps it’s the Ethiopia program we began but then started seeing corruption and chose to bow out? Maybe I should talk about the secondary infertility and my miscarriage? I could share about my many travels to Malawi, Africa and spending months with a little boy I was sure God was going to bring home to us at that time. Or how about the other little boy in Malawi that I went to the orphanage to pick up and social affairs kept saying, “Just take him” while the orphanage director was yelling at me that I was corrupt so I walked out, hoping to return, but was never allowed? Or the situation where a friend of a friend asked for me to discuss adoption with a birth mom who wanted to adopt privately and one block from her house called me and said, “Never mind.”
I could talk about the beauty of sacrifice and how God told me not to cut my hair until my adoption was complete so I didn’t for seven years. As my hair grew longer and longer, it was a daily reminder of holding onto the Lord and sacrifice in the face of the unknown. And then how He told me the sacrifice was in my heart and the hair was only there if I needed a physical reminder so I cut it off.
I could talk about how I danced through the darkest times and chose to worship God with every fiber of my being until sweat poured out, and I would lay prostrate before Him, giving of myself and my life.
I could tell you how important my friends and family have been. How thousands of prayers have been sent to heaven to get us to where we are now.
I could talk to you about death and letting my owns hopes, dreams, and desires die so my flesh would die and God’s perfect plan could spring forth. I could talk about the beauty of holding so tightly to the Lord that His perfect plan for my life is the only thing I desire, even if it only looks like sacrifice and I never get to cross into the Promised Land.
I could tell you how my other children were on this journey with us. How difficult it was to hold onto hope. How many times my son would say growing up that he just wished he had a brother and that Chisomo could come home. And I would cry. I would cry out to the Lord, asking Him to hear the cry of my son’s heart.
I could tell you how difficult it was to see my little son sitting in the back of our minivan in the review mirror. The minivan we bought when he was born because our hearts were so ready to fill it with all the children we wanted. And how I had to get something smaller so it didn’t feel so sad.
I could share the humor I see in my own unexpected pregnancy at age 17 and how I chose to parent, ten years later had my son, and now ten years later another newborn. And how my body held onto the trauma of the last tens years with 50 pounds of weight and last week the Lord told me, “It’s time to lose the baby weight,” so now I’m on a journey to do just that.
And I could tell you how God told us to adopt domestically and how all I could see was the older children that needed homes and again I had to lay my plan down and follow the Lord. And how through it all I knew it could end up like it had so many times before. Sacrifice alone. But how we stepped toward it anyway.
And I could tell you that God showed us Christian Adoption Consultants five years ago, but we never felt the release to move toward domestic adoption until last year.
I could share how fear and control would try to creep in, but we continually laid down the outcome before the Lord and let Him be in control.
And I could share how I spent the last seven years doing ministry with people healing their hearts and how the best way to heal your own heart is to pour out to others.
I could talk to you about each and every situation that came through our email and how we would pray for them. We would pray that if there was any way this pregnant woman could encounter the Lord, find healing and support and parent her child, to bring that into order, Lord. We would pray for the adoptive families God was aligning. We would continually sacrifice our own hearts for God’s will. Our desire was for His perfect plan to come forward, and we were blessed we got to be a tiny part of it.
Or I could tell you how the very day an agency received our paperwork they called with a situation that ended up becoming Our Situation; our daughter. And how we were home study approved (this time) in June and our daughter was born October 29th, 2019. I could tell you the joy in having our family together, our daughter from college flying to Florida and our 11-year-old son coming too. How we marveled at God’s goodness in the face of our sweet Eleanor.
I could share how my best friends put her nursery together while we were away and how loved I feel every day as I sit and rock her in there.
And I could tell you how I had to pause in writing this because my sweet Eleanor woke up. And how she smiled and giggled when I looked down at her. I could tell you how I think of her first mom in these moments and I pray for her and hope she’s doing okay.
But what I really want to tell you is there is HOPE. And not just hope to see your happy ending. But hope that God has the BEST plans for you and your family. He sees you. He knows you. His desire is that you get to be exactly who He created you to be. And the journey is how we get there. And there is a web of connectedness with those around us through this journey. We cannot see how everything is intertwined, but we can trust. So trust in the One Who sees it all. His plans are good. And He knows what’s best for you.
So lay down your plans and find joy in the sacrifice.
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