Adoption Story: Emma

As an adoption consultant, I get a lot of questions about what makes the "perfect" adoptive family: questions around age, family make-up, even income. Are we too old? What if we have too many kids? We live in such a modest house...on and on the concerns can mount before you even start.

But what about a single woman wanting to become a mother? 

In over a decade working in adoption, I've found over and over again there's no perfect adoptive family. The misconceptions and myths we believe about adoption are just that, misconceptions. Expectant and birth families are looking for someone they pray will love their baby as much as they do. And they have unique ideas about the ideal family, just like everyone dreams of.

So I knew the first time I talked with Emma, I could confidently tell her that if God had called her to motherhood, there was an expectant family out there who would think she was the perfect mama for their baby. Today Emma shares her story: her fears, her wait, and her answers to the prayers she had been praying for years...

Like many who have gone through the adoption process, my story is one of waiting. But mine is a less traditional story of waiting. I was never that interested in marriage, but I always knew I wanted to be a mom. However, I thought I should be married, so I waited.  I waited for the right person to come along. Once I got into my late-30’s, my desire to become a mom was growing with each passing year.  I had discounted adoption as an option; after all who would pick a single woman when there were so many wonderful two-parent families to pick from? So I decided to get some fertility testing, and was told by my doctor I needed to move forward with aggressive fertility treatments almost immediately if I wanted to become a mom. It was a whirlwind; I didn’t feel comfortable with the course of treatment, but I thought I didn’t have any other options. I felt called towards adoption, but I ignored the desire God put in my heart and went with the doctor’s recommendation.

The fertility treatments were also full of waiting, and in the end none were successful. So a few years later I was back to square one, and I still felt strongly called towards adoption. This time, I decided to listen to the desire that God put in my heart. I investigated the possibility of adoption which led me to Susan and Christian Adoption Consultants. Susan was wonderful; she reassured me that she had worked with single moms in the past and she was confident that I could become a mom through adoption, but she never made me feel pressured. It was the opposite experience I had had with the fertility doctors I had worked with, and it was all I needed to sign with CAC in September of 2018.

Initially there was a rush of things to do, but then I had more waiting. The wait was challenging, and I presented many times with answer always being “not yet.” Then in July of 2019, an expectant momma picked me! This expectant momma didn’t mind that I was single, and she later told me the fact I was single was a positive for her rather than a negative.

However, even with a match, I had a five month wait for this baby to be born. Those five long months were exciting, joyous, and anxiety producing. But in December 2019, my son was born - I was finally a mom. I got the amazing privilege of deciding on a name together with his birth momma, and then getting to know her better. 

In the end, all of the waiting was worth it. Watching my son grow and learn every day is such a joy.  Every moment of waiting was worth it for him.

Adoption Story: Kevin and Caylee

What happens when all of your best laid plans come crashing down around you? When the dreams you had for your family seem to be unreachable and impossible? Caylee has been there; weeping at the dreams lost and feeling like their plans for a family were hopeless. Today she graciously shares the story of how two became three, how none of it happened the way she anticipated, and how it was better than they could have ever imagined.

It was December 31, 2018, I was laying in bed with a pillow soaked with tears, asking God why He was allowing my life to be this way. Two weeks prior we had lost our second baby in a very unexpected second trimester miscarriage. In 2018, we lost two babies within a five month period, in two completely different ways. I was sobbing a talking to God when He clearly told me that our next baby would not come from my womb. I would love to tell you that I stopped right there and surrendered it all to Him, but that is not what happened. We were waist deep in the middle of IVF; we started the IVF process the beginning of 2018 with three beautiful healthy embryos, and two of them were in the arms of Jesus. In my mind, we couldn’t turn back, we had to complete the path we were on. With one embryo left my “plan” was to move forward as soon as my body was healed.  

We started preparing my body for our third embryo transfer in April, and our transfer date was set for June 24, 2019. Everything was going according to “plan” until the end of May, when one of my lab test came back abnormal, and it was going to postpone our transfer date three more months.  Devastation, anger, and hurt consumed me for about a week. Around the first of June that year, I was reminded of what God had spoken to my heart on December 31, 2018. Kevin and I had talked about adoption many times over the years, but we always thought the timing wasn’t right. That afternoon I emailed Susan with Christian Adoption Consultants to set up a time to talk the following Monday. We prayed and prayed over the weekend, asking God for guidance on this very new and scary road.  

On June 24, 2019, the very same day we had anticipated transferring our last embryo, we said a very scared “yes” to adoption. It's crazy to look back and see how He already told us something special and exciting would happen on that day, but it wasn’t at all what we thought or planned. We became an active waiting family on July 26, 2019 and our daughter was in our arms November 26, 2019, exactly 4 months later. 

Even though our adoption process was quick, it wasn’t without fear, doubt, and anxiety. Some days we would have three to four situations a day and other days we would see none. I will never forget the day our daughters expectant mom’s situation popped up on my email on a Friday afternoon. I read it sitting at my desk at work with tears in my eyes and knew immediately I wanted her to see our profile. Kevin and I talked and prayed about her all weekend, and on that Monday we told the agency we wanted to be shown. On September 10, 2019, we got “the call” saying that we had been chosen.  There were no dry eyes on either end of the phone. Such a special and sacred moment that we will never forget.  

The next two and a half months were spent getting preparing for the baby and loving and getting to know our daughter's birth mother. We will always cherish the time we spent with her and the conversations that we had. The first time we met her we feel like we instantly became connected; like family. Just like parenthood, adoption doesn’t come with an instruction manual. We formed a beautiful relationship with such a kind and selfless women and mother in a very short amount of time. On November 26, 2019 at 9:03am I witnessed our daughter, Ayla Grace, be born into this world. It was a beautiful and heavy moment that I will cherish forever. We had so many sacred moments in that labor and delivery room and in the halls of the very crowded hospital.   

Adoption is beautiful, and I am so thankful that I became a mother through adoption. We couldn’t imagine our life with anyone other than her, but that doesn’t mean her story doesn’t come without heartache and pain. Ayla’s birth mother had to make the hardest decision of her life to give us the title of mommy and daddy; a title we wouldn’t have otherwise. It’s all a lot. It’s heavy. It’s adoption.  It’s beauty born from brokenness. 

We thank Jesus for every twist and turn on our wild ride to become parents; we thank Him every single day for wrecking our best laid plans to fulfill our wildest dreams. 

Adoption stretches you; it stretches you far outside of your comfort zone, but it's there where we found our deep relationship with our Heavenly Father. I’m so thankful for the years of waiting, and the trash can full of one line pregnancy tests, because it led us to our sweet Ayla. A life without her is one we never want to know. If you are in the midst of infertility or adoption, don’t lose hope, God writes the best stories.    

Adoption Story: Cary and Crystal

I remember the first time I met with Cary and Crystal. We were sitting across from each other in a Panera and they were excited about starting their adoption journey. Just like other hopeful adoptive parents, they had their share of fears about adoption along with their excitement. Will we ever be chosen? Will our age impact our ability to adopt? Will this ever happen for us?

I was immediately impressed with Cary and Crystal's love for each other and their passion for becoming parents. And through the time they were with Christian Adoption Consultants, I saw over and over how dedicated they were to making it happen. These pictures and their story was an answer to prayers ten years in the making...

Cary and I have had adoption in our hearts for about ten years. After the death of a child, two failed adoptions, and a three year process, our beautiful Juniper Anne came to us in January of 2020.

Cary and I got married later in life, at 40 and 45 (it was a first marriage for us both). Cary had never had any children, and I had a son when I was young, as a single mom. We tried to conceive early in our marriage, but were unable at that point. We knew we wanted a child, and we knew adoption was for us. Just a year after we married, my son tragically and suddenly passed away. We had to put our adoption dream on hold while we grieved this life-altering loss.

Fast forward 10 years, and we are now holding a precious and healthy baby girl. Our hearts are so full... I’m in tears writing this. We may be older parents now, but we are full of love and dreams and passion for this miracle in our arms.

Not Your Typical Baby Shower: How to Prepare & Celebrate Well in Adoption

As with the birth of any child, there is much to celebrate in adoption! Any time a baby joins a family, we should celebrate new life and rally around the new parents with our support and excitement. Getting ready to welcome a child often comes with a lot of anticipation and joy as you prepare your home and share your news and plans with others.

But what if your child is joining your family through adoption? Should your preparations and celebrations look different? The short answer? Absolutely.

Parenting through adoption is no less special or important than becoming a parent through pregnancy. But becoming a parent through adoption is different than becoming a parent biologically. It's important not to erase these differences, but to acknowledge them and their impact on the choices you make. There are unique aspects to adoption that are critical to consider as you prepare:

• Adoption includes a birth family; there are other people involved to acknowledge and consider as you plan and prepare for a baby to join your family.
• Adoption involves loss; brokenness is at the beginning of adoption when a birth family, for whatever reason, decides they want another couple to raise their child.
• Adoption is about finding families for babies, not babies for families; this can shift our perspective and the choices we make throughout the process.
• Adoption is not final until consents are signed and finalized by a judge; this should impact plans, preparations, and heart postures.

In light of these important differences, here are some practical ways to honor the unique aspects of adoption while you prepare and celebrate:

Adoption Announcements

Like any parents, hopeful adoptive parents are eager to share the news of their growing family. This is a great way to not only update friends and family, but also include others in your journey. (I love these creative ways families I've worked with have announced their adoptions found here and here.) It's important to note that once you share your adoption plans, for many of your friends and family you will become an unofficial "adoption educator." In this new role, you have an incredible opportunity and responsibility to advocate for adoption; ensuring you use positive adoption language and extending grace as others learn about the process alongside you.

Match Announcements

An important step in the adoption journey is when a couple is officially "matched" with an expectant family. Most people prefer the term "chosen" since the expectant family has carefully chosen the hopeful adoptive family to parent their baby. When sharing the news that you've been chosen, it's important to communicate in a way that's open-handed and clear that adoption is the plan, but nothing is final until after the baby is born and necessary paperwork has been completed. This is also a great time to think of protecting the child's story. Very often, adoptive families regret all they shared at this stage and wish they had not disclosed private details, even to close friends and family. Remembering to guard the child and the expectant/birth family's story is critical, even in the beginning.

Gender Reveal

It's a current trend for couples to have some kind of a gender reveal party where they announce if they're expecting a boy or a girl. But as I've noted, adoption is not final until all paperwork has been signed. A gender reveal party easily communicates a finality and surety to the adoption plan that simply isn't the case prior to birth. 

Preparing Older Siblings

Just like anyone preparing for a new a baby to arrive, preparing your children for the arrival of a baby brother or sister is an important step for families. But talking about the complexities of adoption can be challenging, especially with little hearts trying to make sense of hard topics. One easy way to do this is to focus on the idea of preparing your home for a baby in case another family needs help. When the language shifts from a specific baby and timeframe to being ready in case there's a baby that needs a family, it can help communicate your family's desire to help a child versus find a child.

Setting up the Nursery

To prepare for your home study, most often the room for the baby doesn't have to be ready (and let's be honest; for most families the baby sleeps in the parents' room in a bassinet for the first few months anyway!). When couples ask me if there's a "right time" to set up the nursery, I always tell them to do what feels right for them. For some couples, the thought of walking by an empty nursery while waiting for a baby to arrive feels painful. But for others, the tasks of painting a baby's room, setting up a crib, and finding the coziest rocker is a practical way to prepare and dream of the child they will one day be caring for in that room. Just like couples who attend prenatal appointments and birth classes, setting up a nursery can be a way of getting ready for the birth of a baby. It's also wise to decorate in neutral tones to prepare for a boy or a girl.

Birth Announcements

In an age where it's easy to give updates within minutes, we see new parents posting news of a baby's birth within hours. There is a special sacredness to adoption and those first days and hours when a baby is born. Very often, this is a time when the mother (and possibly the father and their friends and family) have to spend with the baby. It's often full of immense emotions and critical for the hopeful adoptive family to take the birth family's lead as to what they want the hospital experience to look like. In light of this, it's wise to wait to share any news or pictures of the baby publicly until consents have been signed. Instead, focus your time in the hospital loving the birth family well; giving them the time and space they need.

Baby Showers

Every mother (or couple!) deserves a party celebrating the arrival of a new baby and adoption is no exception. The question for adoptive families is more about timing; when to have a baby shower. Sometimes the easiest way to celebrate with a baby shower is after the baby has been placed with the adoptive family (after consents are signed). Setting up a gender neutral registry of necessities while waiting for placement can also be helpful. Many families find that a baby shower after the baby has been home for several weeks is a great way to celebrate. They often have a better sense of what they need and it's a sweet time to have family and friends meet the new addition.

Finalization Day 

Many couples take the opportunity to celebrate the day the adoption is finalized in the courts and often mark that as a special anniversary yearly in their family. Some families also call this "Family  Day" or "Adoption Day" (the phrase "Gotcha Day" has historically been used but generally has a negative connotation now since it can imply some kind of ownership.) This can be bittersweet, especially for the child as it not only marks a celebration of a new family, but also the separation from the birth family. Using sensitivity, especially as the child grows, to their feelings around this day will be helpful as you navigate how to/if you will mark this occasion in your family.

Clearly there's much to celebrate and consider when adopting a child. Here's some final questions that might be helpful to ask as you think about how to honor adoption and the entire adoption triad (adoptee, adoptive parents, and birth parents) when it comes to preparations and celebrations:

• Does this honor the expectant/birth family?
• Does this put unnecessary pressure or expectation on an expectant family?
• Does this acknowledge the plan of adoption (vs. assuming something is sure)?
• Does this feel too premature: could we put this off until later when the time might be more fitting?
• Does this consider protecting the child's story that is theirs alone to tell?

Before a baby is placed with you, your focus and top priority should be on educating yourself, preparing for parenthood, and taking every opportunity to love the expectant and birth family well. There will be years to celebrate your child and the joys of parenting. Waiting a few short months to celebrate well and at the right time is a beautiful way to honor your child, their birth family, and the choice you've made to grow your family through adoption.

In the end, that kind of preparation and celebration is worth it.