Thursday, January 23, 2014

in their own words: what makes a real mom

In my work as an adoption consultant, I have the privilege of meeting and walking with some amazing people in their adoption journey. Nancy and her husband, Ryan are no exception. They were recently matched with their expectant mama and have had a chance to meet her. Nancy has already begun building a relationship with a woman who will share in her motherhood in one of the most precious ways. But when others ask who will be their daughter's "real mom," Nancy has answers...


It is interesting how things change. In august of 2012 RT and I started trying to get pregnant and at the time I was possessed by it. I wanted to be pregnant more than anything...and then in October of that same year we were given the news that we have a 0% chance of becoming pregnant on our own. So a little part of our dream died but a new hope bloomed in its place. IVF wasn't how we originally thought we would start and grow our family but we were confident that it would work and I would still get to carry our babies. We started our first round in january 2013 and got the news that it was a failed attempt in April. We started our second round in may and got the news that I still wasn't pregnant at the end of June. Another part of our dream died. But again a new hope bloomed in its place...a hope in the adoption process.

When this whole journey started I was eager to be pregnant
I wanted to go through the nine months and watch and feel the baby grow
But that wasn't in the plan 
At least not yet

And you know what? I am ok with that...it doesn't even make me sad. It is just how it is for us and either way we are going to be parents and that is the point. So instead we get to celebrate with B and watch her baby grow and talk with her about how it feels...and really that is awesome too.

But even though I am at peace with not carrying our children in my body...there is still fear.

Last week I was talking with a woman and she asked me if RT and I have any children. I explained to her that we are adopting and are matched with a mom who is due in April. She proceeded to tell me that I need to wait to tell our daughter that she is adopted until she is at least in high school because we need to be sure that she grows up thinking that we are her parents.

I disagree. We will tell our daughter her adoption story from birth. She will always know. We will tell her about B and what an incredible blessing she is to RT and I and we will explain that B is the bravest, most selfless, most loving person we have ever known. We will enforce that B made an adoption plan because she loves her baby so much.

We will tell her that she has a sister and we hope to continue to have contact with B for the rest of our lives. But someday our little girl is going to realize what that all means. She will always hear it but some day when she is not very big she will truly understand. And she might just say the words...you're not my real mommy.

That thought is terrifying.

But regardless of if she is biologically related to us 
Or grew in my belly or someone else's
Regardless of if we have the same color skin
Or any features alike at all
I will still be her real mommy

And that little girl will be double lucky because she will have two real mommies.
One who gets to squeeze her tight every single day of her life...gets to read her bedtime stories and play hide and go seek. One who will wake in the night with her when she is tiny and new. Who gets to be her mommy twenty-four-seven.

And one who will love her from afar. Thinking of her everyday. One who carried her for nine months and kept her safe and healthy. One who put her first above everything else.

Biology doesn't create real families...relationships do.


You can follow more of Nancy's adoption adventure here on her blog.

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