Ashes of Adoption

Last week I received this beautiful and heartbreaking email from one of my adoptive families. Alisha and her husband adopted their daughter (whom we'll refer to as "E") nine months ago. From the beginning, their hearts not only for adoption and their daughter, but also for their birth mother have been evident. Below Alisha shares a little about the grief involved in adoption and the longing she has for her birth mama (whom we'll call "N") to know true healing after her courageous decision for adoption...

I want to share this journal entry with you because you mean a lot to us and because we love you and are grateful you have been on this journey with us. We ask you to continue to pray for N and for E as she grows. And for us...things will only get harder with her as she gets older and we want to gracefully pour truth over her as the questions begin. 

This is a very normal part of the grieving process for birth moms and we were told and trained on the reality of this happening, so although it is not shocking, it still makes my heart ache.

Tonight as I climbed into bed early and so excited about the potential to get a little extra sleep, I opened my instagram to find the most heart breaking post I had seen. N, E’s birth mom had posted “Sitting here thinking on the choices I made in life and the bs people trying to pull. Missing my E wishing you was here. Don’t nobody know the pain Im going threw but hey I guess they don’t care…..But we suppose to be family”

The pit in my stomach. The flood of guilt. The flood of grace. He is good and has made evident through E’s story that she belongs with us. But oh the pain that comes with that. Did I take something that wasn’t mine and call it mine. Should I return this gift? What can I do to make this right? The enemy wants to destroy this picture of Christ’s love for His children. My mind spins. I pray, cry out to the Lord – please Lord let her (N) know the love you have for her. Will people hurt you? Absolutely. Does she come from a place that only knows hurt, betrayal, deceitfulness, and more hurt? Absolutely. Can I make that right for her? No, only God can heal. Only God loves her perfectly. But how can she know him and experience His love? I would do anything, really I would. But He who has begun a work in her, HE will be faithful to complete it. I know He will. If I get to be a part of that, praise Him. If I don’t, praise Him. But I beg that she will know His love! I fully believe that He is working in her and this is not the end. I beg the Lord for her soul. 

As I talked with Nicole (the girl who introduced us to N) tonight she so beautifully made the comparison of the most devastating experience and the most beautiful picture of redemption. The cross. The most devastating picture/reality/experience to ever take place. And the redemption that comes with the cross and the grace and love that pours over us because of the cross. More importantly because of the sacrifice made on the cross. Our need for Jesus is deep but his love for us is deeper. 

The love I have for N runs so deep that it hurts. I want her to know, experience and rejoice in His love for her. How do I show her that?

It is hard for me to not see myself as her enemy at times. I took her child. She now experiences depths of loss that I cannot fathom. But GOD lovingly placed her into our family and in that we rejoice. E is part of our family forever, but that does not mean that she is not forever part of her birth family’s family as well! N is not the only one to experience loss. E was rejected before she was even born. How do you reconcile this to your daughter. Do I even deserve to get to call her daughter? Why me? How can I receive such a beautiful gift? Only by His grace. I know I don’t deserve to be called His daughter but by His love and grace He does, and without shame. 

Adoption is dirty. It is in the trenches dirty. There is nothing easy about it. Yet we get to love and disciple and train and mess up with this beautiful girl. 

She hears “I made a mistake.” I hear “am I that mistake” and God says I AM. He is the way the truth and the life. He is God. He is the Alpha and the Omega. He is good.

God made no mistake by giving E our last name. I want to honor that and cherish that and always know  that she was chosen to be in our family before the beginning of time.

There will always be hurt, heartache, pain, ugliness on this side of heaven. Even in something that is often looked on as beautiful. It is beautiful to have been adopted by Christ into His family. We cannot perfectly experience any reflection of that this side of heaven. 

Am I thankful to be a part of adoption? Absolutely. We are called to. Is it easy? Absolutely not. It is hard, it is devastating to see the effects of sin, but the other option is to turn our cheek and act as if we are not affected by sin. I am grateful to be in the trenches and experiencing this. It makes me love God more, and it makes me see my need for Him all the more. And I praise Him, even through aches and pains my heart cannot begin to describe. And I wait. Come Jesus Come!